Musing on a Friday Morning

It's Friday, my 2nd official day of summer break.  And where am I?  In my classroom.  I just need to get a few more things organized and put away so I feel better about walking away for the rest of the summer.  And so that, when I come back, my to-do list isn't quite as long.  This year my classroom just sort of .... exploded.  I never put things in their rightful place when I finished with them, or if I did, I just shoved in the correct cabinet or drawer.  The end result, of course, is a big mess.  I'm determined to finish putting it all away nicely today, though, and then next year I hope I'll do better from the beginning.  It's just another one of those things that I know would make my life easier, better, happier.... yet I don't do.

I  think I'm a bit of a committment-phobe.   (Funny to say since I've  been in the same job for 7 years, married for nearly 3, and dating/married to Husband for nearly 6.) 

I have trouble committing to things that I know would be good for me.  Maybe I'm not a committment-phobe.  Maybe I'm just lazy and undisciplined. Either way, I have to got to figure this stuff out!!  Exercise regulary, Beth, you feel better when you do.  Don't eat that breadstick, Beth, you're full already.  Don't eat two more breadsticks, even if they are the best thing you've ever baked.  Umm... don't bake them in the first place, if you've already had a full dinner.  Pay the bills on time, Beth, it makes you less stressed.  Don't spend money on unnecessary things during the month, Beth, because when the credit card bill comes, you freak out.  Put stuff away right away, Beth, because things won't get so out of control if you do.  Do small cleaning things every night, Beth, and then you won't have to deep clean the filth, because it won't have piled up.  And so on it goes. 

Is there a magical age of adulthood that comes with just being able to do these things without thinking?  I would like that to be now.  I'm pretty sure I've written things like this before on my blog, and Husband and I have had this conversation about, oh, ten times in the last year, at least......

Hence, either I'm a committment-phobe, or, more likely, undisciplined and can't figure out how to get disciplined.

New topic.  Babies.  I kind of want one.  About a year and a half ago, a friend put the idea of me having babies in my head, whether she meant to or not.  I thought it about for a long time, counting "if I were pregnant now, when would I have a baby?" and figuring out what was convenient or not (ha, I know, that's silly).  I wasn't ready for a baby, nor did I really want one, but the thought was brewing.  A year ago a different friend was visiting me and the topic came up again.  She bought me a pregnancy magazine.  It still sits untouched in a basket on my dresser.... I was NOT ready to read it, nor to think about it.  I wasn't convinced.  In a August we stopped using any type of birth control, but we didn't really try to conceive, if you know what I mean.  I've already mentioned, I have issues in that department.  Still working on them.  And if you're not trying... umm.... regularly, well, then,  no babies.  But the thought has brewed and percolated and steeped (oh, I love coffee and tea) and a couple of months ago I decided.  I was ready, whatever that means.  I could officially say I want a baby.  Of course, then it was the end of the year and I was busy and tired and never even home, on top of my issues, so.... trying has been limited.  But the desire and thought of having a baby is on my mind a lot.  A lot. 

An old friend of mine is having a baby this summer.  Another close friend just found out she's pregnant and, while extremely excited for her, I was also a bit jealous.  We are the only people in our small group without kids, and two of the couples have had babies in the last year.  I want a turn!

Except I don't want to be pregnant.  I already feel yucky and out of shape and a little chubby, and I don't want to be pregnant.  I don't think I'll be a cute pregnant woman.  So I wish I could avoid that part.

But last night I was watching a show that made me think of my grandma, and as I was crying, I thought, I really need to have kids so that they can have as much time with their grandparents as possible - because my life would not even have been remotely as amazing without my grandma and grandpa around and contributing.... and I know my parents are going to make wonderful grandparents.   And I just want a baby, anyway. 

Although it scares the crap out of me, too.  I should probably read that magazine.

And seriously, if I can't get all that other stuff together, how could I possibly take care of another human being?  Am I an insane person? 

Possibly. 

And I really need to stop rambling now and get back to cleaning my classroom so I can leave school until August.  Hopefully.