Thankful Thing #8:
Tomorrow.
That's right. Today, I'm thankful for tomorrow.
I could go into the deeper meaning of that statement, if I wanted, and talk about how wonderful it is that there's always tomorrow, a new day, a fresh start, a chance to do things the way you wanted to do them today. And I am sincerely thankful for that kind of tomorrow.... I've journaled many times about how amazing new mornings are, how refreshing for the soul.
But today, I'm literally thankful for tomorrow, November 9th.
Because I have a doctor's appointment, and I've been dying to go for the last two weeks.
And this isn't just a regular doctor's appointment. This is a check-to-make-sure-baby-is-doing-okay-and-is-healthy appointment and a find-out-if-Baby C-is-a-girl-or-a-boy appointment.
A.MA.ZING.
Last night the doctor's office called to say that my doctor had something come up for our scheduled time tomorrow afternoon and that they had rescheduled me for an 8:30 am appointment. Well, as a teacher, that doesn't really work for me. It's not exactly a job where you can say, "I have an appointment - I'll work an extra hour later today to make up for it." So when I called back, the receptionist told me that the next available appointment wasn't until late next week.
"I'll be there at 8:30," I said. I may be much more calm now and less convinced that something is definitely wrong, but I'm not about to wait another week to hear that little baby's heartbeat. I need to know everything is okay, and I need to know soon. Call me crazy, I don't care. So I've found someone to cover my class at that time, and off to the doctor I'll go tomorrow morning at 8:30.
I wrote in my journal this thought this morning:
"I've been joking that tomorrow is 'BGD Day' - Boy, Girl, or Dead Day. I realize that's awful, but it's like if, in my head, I think that by acknowledging it, if it were to be true, it would hurt less. Which I know is false. But still, it's easier to say that. I know I'm not always gracious when people talk to me about baby-things - partly because I don't like being the center of attention in that way, and partly because I feel worried that things won't work out, and I don't want to be too involved or have others too involved. I know I need to work on that, because the last thing I want people to think is that I'm not excited, because I am. I'm just also a bit of a not job. I need to not allow my fear and worry to steal my joy."
So, today, while I'm a little nervous for tomorrow, I'm also very, very thankful that it's here (nearly) and that we'll get to see the little peanut again, and hear his/her heartbeat, and know who he/she is.
Now I just need to remember to live today fully, too, instead of just waiting on tomorrow.
You totally need to text or something tomorrow. I'm dying to know who's in there. I get the feelings you wrote about, but don't dwell there. Everything is going to be awesome...I'm as sure as I can be about something out of our control. :0)
ReplyDeleteHad another thought after I hit "post". You know what you are feeling? A new level of vulnerability. You love more than you did before. It's an intense vulnerability--but it won't go away after tomorrow or after baby C is born. I think you just get used to it. Pregnancy slaps it in front of you every minute so it's nearly impossible to tune out...but you will get used to it as you get used to being a parent. Then something happens and it smacks you in the face again--the vulnerability--and it brings you back to your knees acknowledging your dependence on God. Over and over again. It's not always a bad thing. love you.
ReplyDeleteBeth, I have to tell you this. When our first child celebrated his first birthday, I turned to my Hubby and said "Wow. We kept him alive for a whole year." It was such an odd thought and realization. But it stemmed from the fact that prior to Cephas, we hadn't kept anything alive for very long. Fish, plants, things of that nature. I know it isn't comparable to keeping a baby alive, but I was semi-shocked that we had made it to that milestone. So while you find that the BGD baby day line of thinking is awful (as was my comment on our oldest child's first birthday) just remember that pregnancy and hormones bring out the fear of what is to happen and like Dawn said, the responsibility brings out the vulnerability. You will do wonderfully! God will keep you and be there for you - through EVERYTHING. Good and bad. Have a great appointment tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you! I too am now thankful for tomorrow! I can relate to you because I went though a period of time when I could not feel the baby move. Everything was ok, but I was not sure when I was in the midst of it. Glad you get to go in and put these fears to rest. I am praying. ~
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm not sure I can go to work tomorrow. :) Can't wait to find out.
ReplyDelete