Margin

Can I tell you the first thought that just popped into my head when I wrote the title "Margin" just now? 

It was that margin and margarine are very similiar sounding words.  And then I wondered why.  And then I was off on a brain-tangent about how perhaps it's becuase margarine affects your margin.  And then I began to wonder if you would say it increases or decreases your margin, depending on what you think a person's margin would be - the space you actually take up or the space you are not taking up.  And now that I've typed margin five times, I'm not even sure if that's how you spell it anymore. 

Whew. Welcome to a minute in my brain.

Back to my original post.

I'm slowly working my way through The Love Dare.  I assume Husband won't read my blog and read this, because I'm doing it without telling him.  Nevermind that the book is on my nightstand all the time - he doesn't pay attention to those things.

Anyway, yesterday's dare was to think about ways we need margin in our lives, because lives without margin lead to selfishness and irritability. 

Yikes, I'm in trouble.

I don't have a lot of margin right now.  (Aside; although if physical margin is defined as how much space you actually take up, then I do have a lot of margin, because I have recently been asked if I'm pregnant - nope, just chubby.)  I'm pretty - oh, dreaded "b" word - busy.  There's a lot on my to-do list.

Still, I do think I've been working on finding margin.  I left my work in the car on Monday and just hung out with Husband for Love Day.  I worked out this morning (and have worked out more in the last two months than in the previous six).  I am doing pretty well at making time for people, and even am really spending some more time with The One and learning. 

I even quit a task force that I was on, because I'm really trying.  Yes, people who know me, I let something go.  Aren't you proud?

Still, I haven't done this Dare yet, because I'm just not sure what I'll find, or what I'll be able to do.

What about you?

What areas of margin do you need in your life?  How do you find them or find time for them?

Let me know.

I've Caught the Bug

It's true.  I've caught the bug.

But not the bug you're thinking, don't worry.  Aside from the little cold I've been nursing for the last week, I'm as healthy as can be.

Nope, I've caught the I-wish-it-was-summer bug. 

This, my friends, is an unheard of occurence.

I love fall and winter a ridiculous amount.  Don't get me wrong, I do love spring and summer, too, but I'm not the person who starts wishing for warm weather in February.  I'm usually able to hold out until April before dreaming of summer vacation and warmth.

But I had a lovely Saturday in the mountains where I did almost no work, and when we came home today, it was about 65 degrees and sunny.  I took the dog for a walk and was hot in my jeans and long sleeve, and it was beautiful and bright and there were people out everywhere.  (I know 65 isn't that warm, but hey, we had -20 a couple of weeks ago.) 

I put some fun music on and unpacked and started the laundry while the windows were thrown wide-open and the sunlight was streaming in the house.  I got the urge to do some cleaning (although I limited myself to cleaning the toilets since I knew I had hours of school work ahead of me).  John and I put on our swimsuits and took "before" pictures because we are motivated to get fit and healthy.

It just felt like summer.

And now I'm craving it. 

Oh summer.  I can't wait to see you.

Oh, Friday. Oh, Thoughts.

When I was younger, one of the TV networks had "TGIF" on Fridays.  There were about 4 sitcoms showed in a row that were all referred to as "TGIF."  I think Step-by-Step was one of them for a while, and maybe Sabrina....?  I don't really remember anymore. Regardless, when someone says "TGIF," I still think of a TV line up.

But seriously, I'm glad it's Friday. I'm T.I.R.E.D. today.

A few days ago I posted on The Fork in the Road, my thoughts about needing to make a choice.  This week has been good in that area.  I've spent some consistent time with the One, have been listening to some awesome sermons from morning radio, and have been blessed a lot by reading some of your thoughts on things. 

It's been so good that my brain is pretty much on overload.  There are so many thoughts turning around and around and around in there that I would like a day to just stop, pause, listen, and think. 

My thoughts range from how to love my Husband to how to love others to what forgiveness is and some things I need to let go of.  From what it means to follow Jesus to what it means to be healthy to what my relationships should look like.  From seeing my flaws and my beautifuls. 

It's just a lot.  I could write a dozen blog posts on what is in my head.  I'm not even kidding.  The very thought of which thought to start with is daunting. 

This weekend we're going to the mountains to a friend's cabin.  I'll have to work on online stuff (which I am starting to hate) part of the time, but I'm hoping to also use the time to play a little and spend some time processing all the things I'm thinking. 

Being in the mountains always helps me reset.

The main thing I'm getting, though, is that God hasn't been silent recently. 

I just wasn't listening.  The minute I started was the minute I heard what He was saying.  About a lot.  A lot.  (Have I mentioned it's a lot yet?)

But it's Good.  Which excites me.

And now it's time to go back to teaching for the rest of the day.

The Pow Wow

If you've ever read me before, you know by now that I am a high school Spanish teacher and a Student Council Advisor.  I LOVE teaching.  I love the a-ha moments when a kid finally gets it, I love it when they answer their own questions.  I love playing and speaking and listening and being with these students.  And I'm tough.  I have high expectations, and I don't back down from them.  I show grace, but also accountability.  And usually, my students rise to the occasion.

The real reason I love teaching though, is that I love my kids. 

I do.

I just love them. 

Some of them are in desperate need of that, you know.

Every so often I hold a pow-wow.  We turn the flourescent lights off, gather up in a circle, put on some mellow music, and talk about life.  Stories range from the mundane to the silly to upcoming events and athletic tryouts.... and then someone shares something big.  My parents are getting a divorce.  My dad has been deployed for a year and is coming home this weekend, and I'm scared of how things will change.  My mom has cancer.  My friends are into drugs and alcohol, and it's hard for me to stay away from it. 

The atmosphere in the room completely changes.  There's a spirit of love that flows out from each student, almost immediately.  They begin comforting each other, sharing stories of how they've dealt with similar circumstances, giving advice. 

Don't get me wrong - someone always throws in a funny story or two in the midst of the serious that sets us all to laughing hysterically - it's not a depressing pow-wow. 

When the pow-wow is nearing it's natural end (be it a feeling or the end of class approaching), I insist we end on a positive note.  Each person shares something they love about their life, and the smiles and laughter finish out the pow-wow.  They hug each other and walk out of the room feeling connected and cared for, some of them for the first time in a while. 

I love pow-wow.

What most impresses me is that I never lead them to share deeply.  Given the opportunity to do so, they just do.  I don't tell them, hey, encourage him, hug her.  They just do it.  I don't prompt them to share their similar stories and make supportive connections.  They just do.  They are dying to be loved, to know that others care, and to show that they care, too.

Some teachers would say pow-wow is an irresponsible use of my time.  I say not.  I'm teaching them to be people, not just to conjugate verbs.  In 10 years, they won't remember half of anything from my class, but maybe they'll remember what it felt like to be heard, to listen to others, to show and be shown love. 

And maybe they'll do the same for someone else.

The day of a recent pow-wow, a boy (a cool, tough, basketball playing, has-it-all-together boy) came to class with a class-transfer paper.  He'd switched in at semester and, after a couple of weeks, decided it was too hard for him and was going to switch to an easier teacher.  At the end of the class period, after sharing and listening, he looked at me and simply said, "I'm staying."  The next class day he walked in with his transfer paper, tore it up, and threw it away.  He had experienced pow-wow. And love.

Now, I'm not saying I am wonderful, or that I'm doing anything special or worthy of praise.

What I am saying is that I love teaching.  I work with kids who, although they are punky little pains sometimes, have a lot more to them then I'd know if we didn't pow-wow. 

And they are full of love, ready to give it, if someone just would show them how.


Joining in on the conversation "Love is a Verb" over at InCourage. 

The Fork in the Road

Truth time.

I cannot have my heart healed if I am not even in conversation with the One.

I cannot have my relationship with Husband grow if I am not in Relationship with the One.

I cannot feel like I'm living with purpose if my purpose is not rooted in my Relationship.

I can sit in church on the very few Sundays I convince myself I have to go and cry in the back because I am alone and pray that God will heal me or release me, but nothing will happen if I am not even in conversation with Him.

I can think about how my relationship with my Husband could be improved and how he can and should grow, but nothing will matter if I do not have first and foremost my Relationship with the One as a priority.

I can feel sorry for myself about how I feel like I have no people and define my worth based on the number of people who call me to do something, initiate conversations with me, post on my Facebook wall, or comment on my blog.  In that case, I'm going to feel rather worthless.

I can invest my time and energy and care and love into my students.  A good thing, except that I tend to make a good thing the ultimate thing, and when I have time to sit and breathe, I realize that while that is rewarding and fulfilling, it is not Enough.

It is time to make a decision.

I'm here.

Or here, just for a laugh. (because I can't be serious all of the time)

Where will I go? 

I know what I need to choose. 

I want to choose it, too. 

But I am weak, and easily sidetracked. 

Still, the time has come.

A Weekend Wish

My head and heart are full as I quickly sit down to write this morning before I head off to work.

Yesterday was a big day.  We had the privilege of having director Tom Shadyac and several of the prodcuers of his film "I AM" come to our Student Council class when we combined with one of my co-workers classes to see one of her incredible lessons on people and genocide and what each of us can do in other's lives.  Then last night I attended the only high school screening of the film.  You know who he is, right?   The guy who directed Bruce Almighty, Liar Liar, Ace Ventura, The Nutty Professor..... To sum it up, Tom had a near death experience and realized there was something wrong with the picture he was living in, and set off with film crew to ask today's most prominent minds in science, philosophy, and religion two questions "What is wrong with the world?" and "What can we do about it?"  The film chronicles his journey and his findings, and, full of sciency stuff that was actually really interesting, resulted in these thoughts: People are meant to be connected and compassionate.  What's wrong with the world?  I am.  What can we do about it?  Believe in the power of one.  Desmond Tutu in the film says that we are all just drops of water that when put together, form the sea.  Small acts of compassion and connectedness can lead to big things.

Wow.  Yes, Tom Shadyac.  I am with you.  **

Today I leave for our Student Council Retreat.  These, by the way, are my kids.  They are incredible.

And somehow I planned a retreat that basically Tom Shadyac just kicked off for us.  Somehow makes sense, I guess, since these ideas are essential in good leaders.  We're going to be talking about how leaders have to be committed to take the road less traveled sometimes, how we have to know ourselves and be confident in ourselves to be able to take that road.  We'll learn about needing heart and logic as leaders (which the science showed in the movie to be true), and talk about the distractions that meet us on the way.  Lastly we'll talk about how the small things can make all the difference, especially if you have a team of people on your side.

I'm excited.  I'm tired and it hasn't even started yet.  I didn't make it to bed before 11 any night this week, and I didn't even come home until after 10 the last two nights (yes, I was at school from 6:30 am to at least 10 pm).  But I love these things, and I am continuously affirmed that working with these kids is what God wants me to do.  See, I can't talk to them about God, but I can teach them indirectly. I can teach them to do life well and model for them what I really mean, and hope that somehow the seed is planted.  And I can have fun doing it!

Pray for us this weekend, if you get the chance.  My mind is turning the ideas of the film and the retreat around and around and loving some and getting stuck on some - knowing that, fearing that some kids (and some adults) will miss the Reason we're all connected and need to show compassion and love one another.  Still, I believe in the concepts, and my reason doesn't have to be made public there, it just needs to show in my actions.

May your Friday and weekend be thoughtfillled and blessed.

** Disclaimer** There were several scientific concepts that I want to do more research on, because they didn't seem contradictory to anything I believe in, but without furthure information, I couldn't be sure.  I'll be interested to hear your thoughts if you get to see the movie when it comes to theaters soon.

Coffee Company and More

Starbucks Caramel Macciato in hand (it's what I drink in the off-season of the Gingerbread Latte when I still have gift-card money left over from Christmas), I am ready to blog.  I have a lot of stuff in my head and in my heart, which means inevitably this will be a post full of randoms.  Ready?

This week has been full. 

We're back in the swing of things at school, and I'm really trying hard to stay on top of things (and already falling behind), but also to make sure that the way I'm teaching is better. 

I haven't been sleeping that well, mostly to the fact that Husband has been working nights and crawls into bed at about 4, right before I get up at about 5:15, and the weird dreams I've been having.  Last night's was an odd mixture of mostly good, kind of weird, and a little unsettling, but.... I re-wrote the ending to make it all good in my head.

Last week I heard that a former youth group kid of ours, Brad, who had a muscular condition that affected his respiratory system and more, was in the hospital and things weren't looking great.  Wednesday we heard first that they'd removed the breathing tubes and, shortly thereafter, Brad went to be with his Jesus.  Both my good friend Dawn and I posted for him, if you'd care to read.  The service will be Tuesday, and I expect it to be just as much a celebration as anything, since Brad is finally healed.

Husband goes away with the youth group today for the long weekend for our annual retreat.  (A few years ago this retreat was one where we had some of our favorite memories with Brad.)  It's the first time in seven years I won't be going, but because I have offiically stepped down as a leader at this point (you know, I was trying to create some balance in my life), it makes sense that I am not included.  I cried, and let's just be honest: I'm going to have to pray that God will remove my feelings of jealousy.  A few weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Brooke telling her about how disappointed I was and how, to top it all off, it meant that I would be home alone for three nights and almost four days.  Joking, I suggested she drive up from Texas for a visit.

A few days later she called to say she was coming!  I expect to get a text sometime this morning to say she's on the road and then, this evening, she'll be here!  Brooke is my best friend from college.  We haven't lived in the same place for 6 and half years, but she's just one of those friends, you know?  It's going to be great, and I think I probably won't remember that I'm missing the retreat.

I was just reading Rachel Anne's Small Thing about Starting Over.  I love how each morning it can be as if God gives us a Restart button.  What happened yesterday is gone, and today is a new day.  I'm a fairly stubborn person, so sometimes I cling to what is and insist that I can make it work..... but to restart- well, sometimes something even better can come from that.  I've seen it many times, yet I still cling.  Oh, sinful stubborness.

Don't worry, I'm nearing the end of my ramblings.  Husband came home the other night with a belated Christmas present for me - a Nikon Coolpix camera.  I think I've mentioned in about 100 comments (okay, slight exaggeration) on other's blogs in recent weeks that I want to get a pocket-sized camera I can have with me at all times, because I'm always missing out on pictures I see and want to take.  Wish granted!

I haven't had the chance to take many great pictures, but last night Husband and I went to my new favorite "fast-food" restaurant, Garbanzos, to have a little mini date night before he left for the weekend.  They're not great photos, and I look awful,  but, in the interest of sharing, here you go.

an unassuming building filled with scrumptiousness inside.

oops, forgot to unzoom from earlier, and we were walking.

Hmm.  Not my best picture ever, but I was excited!

Husband going in for his first bite - he wasn't sure what he was going to think, but he ended up liking it!

 My pita and falafal. 

Turns out my camera has a food setting, but I didn't discover that until after I had eaten every last bite.

 A quick shot of us by the Garbanzo beans as we walked out.

Just for fun, Ginny when we got home.

Happy Friday from a Rambling Beth.