Finding Out: The Story (Part 1)

Post disclaimer (and perhaps a blog disclaimer, too): I'm honest and forthcoming to a fault.  I'm going to tell you everything, so.... if you're not into that, don't read my blog. :)

Months ago I shared with you what was on my heart: the desire to have a baby.  If you know me at all, I'm not really a "mushy" person, so I've never been someone who gushes over things like weddings and babies, but Husband and I had decided, we wanted to be parents. 

That decision didn't change very much for us, at the time.  Husband would say he's incredibly good at "compartmentalizing" (or, truthfully, simply just not thinking about something at all).  If I were to be honest, I'm pretty good at that, too.  Don't get me wrong - I think too much sometimes - but I'm also quite capable of saying something like, "yes, let's have kids," and then not thinking about it again.

At the end of July, though, I started to wonder.  I couldn't rememeber exactly when my last period was - I had a fair idea, but I wasn't totally sure. My breasts were definitely bigger than normal, but I had been struggling with weight gain over the last year or so, and so thought maybe I could chalk it up to that.  I was starting to be more tired than I should be for summer break, but then, I was doing  a lot and working out and being busy.

The first weekend in August, we headed out to see Husband's mom, Laura, in Nebraska.  A few days before we left, I remember having coffee with a friend who asked if I would tell her if I were pregnant.  I assured I would, but told her I wasn't.... even though at that point the doubt was slowly creeping into my mind.

With Husband and sister-in-law in the truck, we left early Friday morning for our eight hour drive.  I wondered.  And wondered.  And kept it to myself  because, surely, I would get my period that weekend.  And if I didn't, well, then I'd figure it out when I got home.  And I wouldn't tell Husband just yet, because I kind of wanted to take him out for a fun dinner and tell him if I were pregnant.

Come Saturday morning, though, I realized, I just plain wasn't strong enough to carry the question on my own, so I confided in Husband that I was freaking out a little (okay, a lot) about whether or not I was pregnant.  I think he was surprised, but kind of excited.   While he was out running some errands, I did some math from when I thought I'd last had my period, and completely freaked myself out, realizing that I was definitely (mostly, probably, am I over-reacting?) overdue.  When he came home, we decided that we would both go pick up lunch for everyone and, while we were out, make a quick trip to the drug store to buy a pregnancy test. 

I can't even really begin to describe the emotions I was feeling.  Scared, excited, panicked, hopeful, fearful... I tried to explain to him what I was thinking - if I were pregnant, that was terrifying, because everything was going to change and be a big dang deal.  And if I weren't, well, that would be devastating, even though I had just started to think I might be. 

Buying a pregnancy test is a weird thing, don't you think?  Even in the middle of another state, in a city where I know about 10 people, in a store I'd never been to, I felt funny.  Like it was shameful, even though it absolutely wasn't.  I couldn't look the cashier in the eye - I paid, grabbed the bag, and all but ran out of the store and hopped back in the truck.

After picking up Chipotle for everyone, we headed back to Laura's house, where I immediately made a beeline to our bathroom downstairs.  I couldn't wait another second to find out.  (And here all along I thought I was this sort of level-headed, patient person.)  I took the test, and waited..... wondering what Husband was thinking as he was upstairs with his mom and sister.... and waited.   The little "is the test working" line appeared in the first window, and then ... a vertical line appeared boldly and so blue in the second window.  The horizontal line?  There, but oh-so faint.  I studied the pictures in the instruction booklet, trying to decide.  As far as I could tell, there should have been a bold horizontal line and no vertical line at all if the test was negative.....

So I must be pregnant.

I about fell to pieces.

My eyes immediately filled with tears, and I kid you not - I thought I might hyperventilate.  But I realized that if I went upstairs a total disaster, I'd have to tell.  And I wasn't ready to do that. I mean, what if I'd read the test wrong?  What if it weren't accurate?   I needed to pull myself together, so I did.

After a minute, I went upstairs, and when asked where I'd been, said I'd had to use the bathroom, and left it that.  I made eye contact with Husband for a split second, gave a small grin, and then looked away, diving into my Chipotle.  We ate all together, talking about the most random things, for at least another half an hour before Husband and I had a chance to be alone.  It was the weirdest thing, thinking I was pregnant, and not saying anything about it, jus sitting there, eating my Chipotle burrito bowl, watching T.V., talking, laughing, with the rest of the world (okay, slight exaggeration) not having a clue what was really going on in my head. 

The possibility that everything was about to change was overwhelming.

The rest of the story to come.