Friday, April 8, 2011

What I'd Really Tell You Over Coffee

Sipping on a now cooling cup of coffee, listening to a mix on Pandora, and being thankful it's Friday.  Some weeks, although not bad ones, just seem to last longer.  This has been one of them...

I wrote last Friday a quick post about Student Council elections and telling students they did or did not make it... it was definitely not fun to see the absolute dejection on some of their faces.  And we're not done - this week was regular class officer elections, so I'll get to, as I told Husband this morning, crush some more students' hopes today.  Fun!  But the good news is, it's high school, and it's character building, right?  (Tell that to them, see if it makes a difference....)  Truthfully though, it will be exciting to get to see who I'll have in class next year, thus beginning the awkward limbo of finishing this year well and looking forward to the future.

Before I go into anything serious, I should tell you I have an addiction, and a pretty big one, at that. It almost rivals my love for Gingerbread Lattes..... I eagerly anticipate the arrival of these bags of goodness each year, and everyone knows it - I got facebook posts and text messages from college friends about how the purple bags were back in the holiday aisle.
Mmmm..  Delicious.  Cadbury Mini Eggs, my favorite Easter candy.

I've eaten a few so far.... umm, yes, I mean a few bags.  To be fair, Husband has helped me quite a bit - but I believe we've gone through 5 bags....... (and I have two more hidden away for later).  Oh Cadbury Mini Eggs, how I love thee.

And on to the more serious things.

Are you ready for this?  It's kind of big.  I'm a little bit surprised at myself for even thinking about blogging it, but then I figured, so few people read this anyway, what's the difference?  Husband and I have decided that we are no longer going to skirt around the issue of kids.  For several months we've been in the "we're not trying but we're not not trying" phase of life, and it's been nice.  No pressure, no worries.  But over Spring Break and some more in-depth conversations, we decided it's time to be committed. 

We're going to start trying to have kids.

Shoot, I'm stressed just typing those eight words.

It's a little intimidating, to be sure, for a lot of reasons.  I mean, we're only just really trying to step into our grown-up selves.  Kids?  Are we nuts?  I love sleeping.  Am I ready to not do that?  (I know, right, how silly is that?  I'm worried about sleep?) I have to work a full -time job (not just have to - want to - I LOVE my job).  How will I do that and still be there a lot?  (And sleep, when will I sleep?)  And I teach high school - I see what these kids go through!  Will we be able to prepare them to live in this world and to do it while loving God?  (I'll be awake at night wondering if they are making good choices....)  I could write for hours all the big things this decision implies, but that would be borrowing a lot of trouble, and I'm not even pregnant.

But, a friend of mine, who isn't even a Christian, told it to me straight a while back.  "If good people," she said (insert "people who really love God"), "don't have children, then there isn't any hope for the future."  And I know that God is with us, and if He wants us to be parents, He'll allow it, and He'll walk through parenthood with us.  So deep breaths, Beth.

While I'm being honest, I am going to tell you another truth.  (You may not want to read this part - I'm going to be a little blunt and write something my mother definitely would not think I should blog about.) 

Seriously, you might want to skip it, I'm just saying.  It's not bad, it's just very real and very non-talked about it public circles.

Did you know that in order to have children naturally, you have to have sex?  It's true, in case you didn't know.  And that becomes an issue for me, if I'm being real.  I have some residual emotional issues left over from a time of life that wasn't so good, and I have an incredibly low libido, and while I like being close to my husband and making him happy, I don't love sex.  And I don't desire it.  And I could go forever without it. 

And that won't work, if I want to have kids.  And it won't work even if I don't want to have kids, because I'm learning that sex is pretty dang vital in a healthy marriage.   I've read a couple of great books on the topic, but nothing has really changed.  Right now, though, I'm reading the book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Lehman because a friend who empathizes with me recommended it. It's intense. I mean, intense.  And scary, and blunt, and full of things that you don't normally read in a Christian book.  And it's challenging me to think about sex differently and to think about being with Husband differently, to try things I've not done, to work towards things I've not yet experienced in three years of marriage.....

Hoo-eee, can't believe I'm typing this.  I'd talk to you about it over coffee, sure, but umm... right now I can't see your face and gauge how you're responding.  Let me sip my coffee here and imagine we're best friends and you are sitting across from me sipping your coffee and nodding that you understand.

That's about all the "real" I can throw out for now.  I'll have to garner up a little more courage another day.

Can I just say this?  It's a bit scary to be real, but I can't help it right now.  It's who I am, and this is what is on my heart.  God has been growing me a lot recently, and this week, these have been some of the thoughts.  I don't ever want to not share what God has been saying, because I don't ever want to come close to shutting Him out or ignoring Him.  And I'm excited.  I haven't felt so stretched and good in a long time. 

I like it.

Happy Friday, friends.  May your weekends be restful, blessed, and beautiful.

Participating in our weekly Coffee Company Blog Hop over at Home Sanctuary.

Editor's Note:  Just so you know, I was never abused or mistreated sexually in any way in my childhood or at any time - in fact, I think my parents raised me with a pretty healthy view of sex.  When I referenced some residual emotional issues, they are the result of my own willful disobedience during a dark time of life, nothing else.  I think we as women come to the marriage bed with a variety of issues, some worse than others, and while it sex a BIG struggle for me, I would never want to minimalize the true issues that come from abuse or indicate that I have overcome something like that, because the women who have done so are worthy of my respect and admiration.


  1. Oh girl, I'm glad you shared your heart. :) My Mom was molested by her older brother for years, and she had a lot of wounds that made their way to the marriage bed, too. God is a restorer, and He delights in the sacred communion He gave married men and women. I'm excited you're thinking about having kids! It's the craziest ride I've been on thus far, but despite the incredible pruning process that comes with motherhood, God has taught me so much about who I need to become in order to raise that future generation of praying people. People who will seek His face no matter what the world says. I hope you grow and flourish through this exciting chapter of life. :)

  2. I can relate: Robin eggs are some of my favorite candy -- perhaps they stay that way because they are only around one/time a year.

    On having kids: it has been the hardest but most rewarding thing I have ever done. Their smiles and laughter and hugs make up for all that sleep deprivation!! Motherhood is helping me mature and become a better person, too.

    Husband/wife time: it is good to keep working on takes time and trust...another book: Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat is also helpful...things change through the years...someone told me that as a young married and I am glad. There are a lot of seasons and ups and downs. It is worth it,though!! Thanks for being real!

  3. If you could see my face, yu would see me smile and nod my head and totally be thrilled with your honesty...
    I remember some of those emotions and thoughts when I was pregnant the first time...(we have four)and I know God will walk with you in it.
    Kevin Lehmans book is very good, and so is the book Kathleen recomended...and so is God. He will walk with you in this too, after all Sex is his design and he wants to help you sort through all the things that keep it from being what he created to be!
    And now for the biggest thing: I LOVE mini eggs!
    Blessings on your week :)

  4. I have never had Cadbury mini eggs...and I probably shouldn't even try them because I have a feeling they would just become one more thing I was struggling to give up as I try to get eat a couple for me, would ya?

    As for is tough, it is frustrating, it is hard work, and it is the greatest blessing you can ever imagine when those precious fingers wrap around your neck or your very own child looks at you with delight in their eyes. Surely, wait until you are ready, and then cherish every moment...they really are worth it.

    And since you are being completely honest, let me be as well. I never had any "bad" childhood experience. I have never been mistreated or abused in any way...and I feel just the same way as you. I could go the rest of my life cuddling, hugging...and never anything else and be perfectly happy. But I love my husband, and I know what he needs and desires. And so, it sometimes is just an act of love, me giving him something no one else can (or should). You will be blessed by that, I know!

    Have a great weekend!

  5. I'm with Katharine. I love me so honest bloggers, too. Especially the ones who talk about the really hard things because it opens up this amazing journey of being able to pray for you as you undertake this journey. I'm excited about all the things God is going to do in you and through you.

  6. Wow, thanks for being real and sharing with us what's on your heart. That is a tough thing to do. I am excited for you to start this next journey in your life. Motherhood is definitely challenging and even scary at time, but so worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

  7. are incredibly brave. Thanks for sharing your story - I understand the feelings of vulnerability (sometimes when I write, I think...should I keep it a draft??) I think you are amazing....and having children is a gift that keeps on giving. It is the greatest life force. Lovely to find your blog :)

  8. I just adore you!! We need more honest and transparent Christians in the world so "YAY! for you!". There is nothing like being a mommy--nothing like it! I will pray for you regarding what you shared with us. Normally, woman have different needs than men anyway--so I am sure if most women were honest, they'd understand exactly what you are saying!

    God bless you!

  9. hey!! LOVED your post, visiting from Home Sanctuary too.
    I too have been married 3 years, and could go awhile without that level of intimacy... it's a challenge to uphold... like you said, imperative to a good and healthy marriage!!

  10. As a further note, the fact that you're now "trying" for a baby in itself can give your intimacy with your husband a whole new level of meaning and spark. There's something beautiful about the possibility of a pregnancy occurring that adds to the wonder and mystery of your time together as husband and wife.


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