It's Friday, my 2nd official day of summer break. And where am I? In my classroom. I just need to get a few more things organized and put away so I feel better about walking away for the rest of the summer. And so that, when I come back, my to-do list isn't quite as long. This year my classroom just sort of .... exploded. I never put things in their rightful place when I finished with them, or if I did, I just shoved in the correct cabinet or drawer. The end result, of course, is a big mess. I'm determined to finish putting it all away nicely today, though, and then next year I hope I'll do better from the beginning. It's just another one of those things that I know would make my life easier, better, happier.... yet I don't do.
I think I'm a bit of a committment-phobe. (Funny to say since I've been in the same job for 7 years, married for nearly 3, and dating/married to Husband for nearly 6.)
I have trouble committing to things that I know would be good for me. Maybe I'm not a committment-phobe. Maybe I'm just lazy and undisciplined. Either way, I have to got to figure this stuff out!! Exercise regulary, Beth, you feel better when you do. Don't eat that breadstick, Beth, you're full already. Don't eat two more breadsticks, even if they are the best thing you've ever baked. Umm... don't bake them in the first place, if you've already had a full dinner. Pay the bills on time, Beth, it makes you less stressed. Don't spend money on unnecessary things during the month, Beth, because when the credit card bill comes, you freak out. Put stuff away right away, Beth, because things won't get so out of control if you do. Do small cleaning things every night, Beth, and then you won't have to deep clean the filth, because it won't have piled up. And so on it goes.
Is there a magical age of adulthood that comes with just being able to do these things without thinking? I would like that to be now. I'm pretty sure I've written things like this before on my blog, and Husband and I have had this conversation about, oh, ten times in the last year, at least......
Hence, either I'm a committment-phobe, or, more likely, undisciplined and can't figure out how to get disciplined.
New topic. Babies. I kind of want one. About a year and a half ago, a friend put the idea of me having babies in my head, whether she meant to or not. I thought it about for a long time, counting "if I were pregnant now, when would I have a baby?" and figuring out what was convenient or not (ha, I know, that's silly). I wasn't ready for a baby, nor did I really want one, but the thought was brewing. A year ago a different friend was visiting me and the topic came up again. She bought me a pregnancy magazine. It still sits untouched in a basket on my dresser.... I was NOT ready to read it, nor to think about it. I wasn't convinced. In a August we stopped using any type of birth control, but we didn't really try to conceive, if you know what I mean. I've already mentioned, I have issues in that department. Still working on them. And if you're not trying... umm.... regularly, well, then, no babies. But the thought has brewed and percolated and steeped (oh, I love coffee and tea) and a couple of months ago I decided. I was ready, whatever that means. I could officially say I want a baby. Of course, then it was the end of the year and I was busy and tired and never even home, on top of my issues, so.... trying has been limited. But the desire and thought of having a baby is on my mind a lot. A lot.
An old friend of mine is having a baby this summer. Another close friend just found out she's pregnant and, while extremely excited for her, I was also a bit jealous. We are the only people in our small group without kids, and two of the couples have had babies in the last year. I want a turn!
Except I don't want to be pregnant. I already feel yucky and out of shape and a little chubby, and I don't want to be pregnant. I don't think I'll be a cute pregnant woman. So I wish I could avoid that part.
But last night I was watching a show that made me think of my grandma, and as I was crying, I thought, I really need to have kids so that they can have as much time with their grandparents as possible - because my life would not even have been remotely as amazing without my grandma and grandpa around and contributing.... and I know my parents are going to make wonderful grandparents. And I just want a baby, anyway.
Although it scares the crap out of me, too. I should probably read that magazine.
And seriously, if I can't get all that other stuff together, how could I possibly take care of another human being? Am I an insane person?
Possibly.
And I really need to stop rambling now and get back to cleaning my classroom so I can leave school until August. Hopefully.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Back in the Saddle
(Editor's Note: I wrote this post on Monday, but because I needed to wait to for my husband to bring the camera home, am not posting it until Tuesday. Any references to "today" are from Monday.)
Do you know that I have ridden horses for nearly 15 years, and I have never actually fallen off of one?
Granted, the consistency of me riding in the last three years has been.... well, let's be honest. I haven't ridden more than twice in the last three years. (That's not totally my fault. The first year, I didn't have a car, so I couldn't get out to where my horse was being boarded. The second year we'd moved him to my parent's house and built him a loafing shed, and I did ride him a couple of times, but then he got an abscess in his hoof and had about half of the hoof removed. (That's like taking off your fingernail, not your finger, just in case you didn't know.) So he had to heal from that. And then last year, right around this time of year, he impaled himself on a t-post and nearly died. That recovery was quite long; hence, no riding for me.
I completely digress from my original point. The expression back in the saddle clearly comes from the idea that if you've fallen off a horse, you have to get back on again and push through whatever fear is keeping you from riding again. I've never fallen from a horse, so I don't I can fully understand the true intent of those words, although having watched my sister essentially stop riding due to an incredibly scary situation, I sort of get it.
That story will have to come at a later point, because this post isn't supposed to be about horses or riding or anything equestrian related. I just titled the post Back in the Saddle and then was off on a tangent, and decided to write it. Well, journeying with me as I process never promised to be logical.
Anyway, I feel like I have the opporutnity to be back in the saddle of a lot of things in my life. School is winding down and, while I have a busy summer ahead, the pace is different.
I have just two classes of finals left to grade - one on paper, one online. I'm going to do them tomorrow. Then I have to spend some time getting my classroom ready for next year, and I'm done. Officially our last day is Wednesday, but I may go in for a few hours on Thursday and/or Friday just to make sure I'm organized. It's been a long year. I'm excited for a change of pace.
On Saturday I went to the Home Depot at 8:15 in the morning to avoid the rush and bought a lot of flowers and plants. I suspect I normally spend $100 on flowers to pot to make the front of my townhouse look pretty (and to make me happy) - but this weekend I went way overboard, due to the fact that I was on a mission - I wanted to plant some perennials in our front yard, build a mini garden bed retaining wall, and add some mulch. I picked up the pesky rocks that were half filling the space and through them into my window wells, which needed something in them anyway. (I'd already spent hours on a previous weekend cleaning and sorting some rocks and filling this awkward weird gap between my neighbor's sidewalk and mine.)
I potted 15 medium and small pots of flowers and 3 large ones. I dug up the soil in the yard and mixed it in with some garden soil. I planted 7 new plants in the yard. The only thing Husband helped with was the brick (which, as you can see, we need a couple more layers of to make a retaining wall) and the mulch.
I just love it... it's like a whole new yard. And never mind the dead grass, because the flowers and plants make it pretty anyway. (Although we are going to re-sod the dead parts and put in some new sod up to the retaining wall.)
Oh, and doing that, I forgot about sunscreen (rookie mistake). This is me two days later, although I couldn't really get a great picture. You'll have to imagine what it looked like originally. In my defense, it's my first real time outside this year, so I had no base coat at all.
And I've cleaned my main floor and the master bedroom thoroughly, and tidied up the basement areas and bedroom (my mother-in-law was here for the weekend). I'd bought a white quilt and some throw pillows for our bedroom to give our room a fresh, summery feel, but I didn't allow myself to set up the bed until our room was clean clean clean.
So I'm back in the saddle of living in a liveable, even peaceful, pretty house.
This morning I got up and went for a run. I haven't been on a run in a really long time. It's been at least a month since I went to the gym, and probably two or three months (or four?) since I ran outside. It was super windy, but the sun was shining warmly and I pushed myself, but not too much. It felt delicious. I'm going grocery shopping today, and we've cooked at home the last two nights.
Yes, I'm back in the saddle of being healthy, and feeling good about myself.
After I got back from my run, I poured myself a cup of coffee (which had been brewing while I ran), added a dash of cream, sugar, and cinnamon, and took the dog to sit on the front steps, which, in the morning, are bathed in sunshine. There, amidst all my beautiful flowers, I drank my coffee, basking in the tranquility, and listening to this song, which always gets my heart tuned into the right place. Always. It's been a while since I've heard it, so I played it twice. Starting at about 4:45 is the best, in case you don't want to listen to the whole thing. And I just felt calm, and inspired, and ready to keep going.
I went to church yesterday with my mom and MIL at a different church than my own, and the pastor asked this question: Are you in the same place spiritually as you were last month? Six months ago? Last year? Well, I know that if I were to answer that honestly, I haven't grown at all in the last month or so. Remember there was that season of incredible revelation and growth earlier this year? I started to live on the leftovers of that, much like a car running on the fumes of gasoline that used to fill the tank. I caught myself, jumped back in, but, as any teacher knows, barely survived the end of the year, and stopped reading, journaling, and reflecting. But that season is finished.
And I'm back in the saddle of spending time with the One.
I hope that if I ever do fall off of a horse, I will not hestitate to jump right back on, because if life teaches me anything, it is that it is always better when you push through, allow the One to help you conquer your fear, and keep going. Put that foot in the stirrup, swing your leg over, and keep riding.
Re-set, and press On.
Do you know that I have ridden horses for nearly 15 years, and I have never actually fallen off of one?
Granted, the consistency of me riding in the last three years has been.... well, let's be honest. I haven't ridden more than twice in the last three years. (That's not totally my fault. The first year, I didn't have a car, so I couldn't get out to where my horse was being boarded. The second year we'd moved him to my parent's house and built him a loafing shed, and I did ride him a couple of times, but then he got an abscess in his hoof and had about half of the hoof removed. (That's like taking off your fingernail, not your finger, just in case you didn't know.) So he had to heal from that. And then last year, right around this time of year, he impaled himself on a t-post and nearly died. That recovery was quite long; hence, no riding for me.
I completely digress from my original point. The expression back in the saddle clearly comes from the idea that if you've fallen off a horse, you have to get back on again and push through whatever fear is keeping you from riding again. I've never fallen from a horse, so I don't I can fully understand the true intent of those words, although having watched my sister essentially stop riding due to an incredibly scary situation, I sort of get it.
That story will have to come at a later point, because this post isn't supposed to be about horses or riding or anything equestrian related. I just titled the post Back in the Saddle and then was off on a tangent, and decided to write it. Well, journeying with me as I process never promised to be logical.
Anyway, I feel like I have the opporutnity to be back in the saddle of a lot of things in my life. School is winding down and, while I have a busy summer ahead, the pace is different.
I have just two classes of finals left to grade - one on paper, one online. I'm going to do them tomorrow. Then I have to spend some time getting my classroom ready for next year, and I'm done. Officially our last day is Wednesday, but I may go in for a few hours on Thursday and/or Friday just to make sure I'm organized. It's been a long year. I'm excited for a change of pace.
On Saturday I went to the Home Depot at 8:15 in the morning to avoid the rush and bought a lot of flowers and plants. I suspect I normally spend $100 on flowers to pot to make the front of my townhouse look pretty (and to make me happy) - but this weekend I went way overboard, due to the fact that I was on a mission - I wanted to plant some perennials in our front yard, build a mini garden bed retaining wall, and add some mulch. I picked up the pesky rocks that were half filling the space and through them into my window wells, which needed something in them anyway. (I'd already spent hours on a previous weekend cleaning and sorting some rocks and filling this awkward weird gap between my neighbor's sidewalk and mine.)
I potted 15 medium and small pots of flowers and 3 large ones. I dug up the soil in the yard and mixed it in with some garden soil. I planted 7 new plants in the yard. The only thing Husband helped with was the brick (which, as you can see, we need a couple more layers of to make a retaining wall) and the mulch.
I just love it... it's like a whole new yard. And never mind the dead grass, because the flowers and plants make it pretty anyway. (Although we are going to re-sod the dead parts and put in some new sod up to the retaining wall.)
Oh, and doing that, I forgot about sunscreen (rookie mistake). This is me two days later, although I couldn't really get a great picture. You'll have to imagine what it looked like originally. In my defense, it's my first real time outside this year, so I had no base coat at all.
So I'm back in the saddle of living in a liveable, even peaceful, pretty house.
This morning I got up and went for a run. I haven't been on a run in a really long time. It's been at least a month since I went to the gym, and probably two or three months (or four?) since I ran outside. It was super windy, but the sun was shining warmly and I pushed myself, but not too much. It felt delicious. I'm going grocery shopping today, and we've cooked at home the last two nights.
Yes, I'm back in the saddle of being healthy, and feeling good about myself.
After I got back from my run, I poured myself a cup of coffee (which had been brewing while I ran), added a dash of cream, sugar, and cinnamon, and took the dog to sit on the front steps, which, in the morning, are bathed in sunshine. There, amidst all my beautiful flowers, I drank my coffee, basking in the tranquility, and listening to this song, which always gets my heart tuned into the right place. Always. It's been a while since I've heard it, so I played it twice. Starting at about 4:45 is the best, in case you don't want to listen to the whole thing. And I just felt calm, and inspired, and ready to keep going.
I went to church yesterday with my mom and MIL at a different church than my own, and the pastor asked this question: Are you in the same place spiritually as you were last month? Six months ago? Last year? Well, I know that if I were to answer that honestly, I haven't grown at all in the last month or so. Remember there was that season of incredible revelation and growth earlier this year? I started to live on the leftovers of that, much like a car running on the fumes of gasoline that used to fill the tank. I caught myself, jumped back in, but, as any teacher knows, barely survived the end of the year, and stopped reading, journaling, and reflecting. But that season is finished.
And I'm back in the saddle of spending time with the One.
I hope that if I ever do fall off of a horse, I will not hestitate to jump right back on, because if life teaches me anything, it is that it is always better when you push through, allow the One to help you conquer your fear, and keep going. Put that foot in the stirrup, swing your leg over, and keep riding.
Re-set, and press On.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Almost there
Oh Summer, come soon.
I'm almost there. One more week with students and then another week of sorting, organizing, cleaning in the classroom, and then D.O.N.E.
The majority of the stressful to-do list is done, and I'm on to the final bits and pieces of things that, whether I get them done or not, will be over in about a week. I'm down to grading the last odds and ends of missing work, editing, administering, and grading final exams and projects, and a few meetings.
Summer is going to be full...... today I was telling Husband I am even a little stressed about it, because somehow, yet again, it will be jam packed full of things to do. Still, I can't wait for it. I was going through Facebook pictures to today (because I needed a break from creating my online final) and thinking of all the fun things that I get to to do.
BUT. I think I've got a plan of attack for the summer, with some much needed me time spaced into the busyness. Some of those busy things include VBX at church, a Nebraska wedding, StuCo Camp, visiting my BFF at her new place in Arizona, and more. I think we even are working it out that Husband will get to go to San Fran and visit his BFF from high school, who was the best man at our wedding. It's about time he get to do something fun.
Speaking of Husband, what I MOST want to do is spend time with him this summer. I want to cook yummy good meals for him, play outside, work outside (finish that back"yard"), go to fun things with him, and more. He's really, truly, seriously, the best, and I'm having a little Hubby withdrawl from the last two weeks (I was never home. Ever.) We have seen each other a lot more this weekend, in the company of our sisters, so that's been fun, but I want some time with him where I'm not always thinking about the next thing I have to do (which is all I do these days).
Bring on the summer.
I'm almost there. One more week with students and then another week of sorting, organizing, cleaning in the classroom, and then D.O.N.E.
The majority of the stressful to-do list is done, and I'm on to the final bits and pieces of things that, whether I get them done or not, will be over in about a week. I'm down to grading the last odds and ends of missing work, editing, administering, and grading final exams and projects, and a few meetings.
Summer is going to be full...... today I was telling Husband I am even a little stressed about it, because somehow, yet again, it will be jam packed full of things to do. Still, I can't wait for it. I was going through Facebook pictures to today (because I needed a break from creating my online final) and thinking of all the fun things that I get to to do.
BUT. I think I've got a plan of attack for the summer, with some much needed me time spaced into the busyness. Some of those busy things include VBX at church, a Nebraska wedding, StuCo Camp, visiting my BFF at her new place in Arizona, and more. I think we even are working it out that Husband will get to go to San Fran and visit his BFF from high school, who was the best man at our wedding. It's about time he get to do something fun.
Bring on the summer.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
End of Year Madness
A five minute post on where I've been and where I'm going:
1. We're in the last three weeks of school. Seniors finish this Friday (yes, Friday the 13th, how fitting) and everyone else finishes the 27th. With Seniors done this week, I have to get all their grades entered asap. Underclassmen need to know what they are missing so they can scramble to get their grades up. I've been doing a lot of grading.
2. StuCo is wrapping up, but that doesn't mean it's slowing down. We threw a big evening of fun last Friday, had an end of year senior evening called Senior Sunrise, have a dance for incoming 9th graders, an assembly, a end of year shin dig, and Induction. Not to mention having to attend Senior awards night, which lasts three hours usually.
3. I have to go to at least 3 graduations, if not 4. My sister's college graduation, my school's graduation, and one or two graduations of the girls I have been mentoring. Oh, and that's all within two days.
4. I have to finish teaching. And finish online teaching. And create, give, and grade final exams.
Wanna brief glimpse at my calendar as of late? I'll only go back to last Friday.
Friday the 6th: Spring Fling event at school, 6 - 10 pm (home at 11)
Monday the 9th: State StuCo Camp Meeting in Denver at 3 pm, Senior Sunset at school 7 - 8:30 pm (home at 9, after having left the house at 6:30 am)
Tuesday the 10th: Choir Concert at school, 7 - 9 pm
Wednesday the 11th: Sister-in-law's birthday dinner
Thursday the 12th: Senior Awards night at school, 6:30 - 9:30 ish.
Friday the 13th: Assembly during school, hosting the 8th grade passage dance from 4 - 6 pm, Church Small group from 6:30 - whenever.
Saturday the 14th: StuCo End of Year Farewell Retreat, 9 - 4 pm at my parents', but I have to shop before and clean up after.
Monday the 16th: StuCo Induction, 5 - 8:30 ish at school, including set up and clean up.
Tuesday the 17th: Choir Concert at my mom's school, 7 - 9 pm.
Thursday the 19th: My school's graduation
Friday the 20th: My sister's college graduation at 10 am, and my mentee's high school graduation at 6 pm.
Saturday the 21st: U2 Concert.
Monday - Friday the 23rd - 27th: Finals Week
Friday the 27th: My other mentee's graduation and a friend's wedding, at the same time. Husband is going to the wedding, me to the graduation. I'll try to make it to the reception.
I kind of feel like this......Do you blame me?
I'm thinking Husband and I need a romantic night away after all of this.
But please note - I love almost everything about my job. It's just that this time of the year is INSANE. Someone asked me recently if things were winding down. Ha. They speed up and then come to a screeching halt. But I love it, I really do - at least, the part with the kids. The grading and planning I could use a break from. :)
1. We're in the last three weeks of school. Seniors finish this Friday (yes, Friday the 13th, how fitting) and everyone else finishes the 27th. With Seniors done this week, I have to get all their grades entered asap. Underclassmen need to know what they are missing so they can scramble to get their grades up. I've been doing a lot of grading.
2. StuCo is wrapping up, but that doesn't mean it's slowing down. We threw a big evening of fun last Friday, had an end of year senior evening called Senior Sunrise, have a dance for incoming 9th graders, an assembly, a end of year shin dig, and Induction. Not to mention having to attend Senior awards night, which lasts three hours usually.
3. I have to go to at least 3 graduations, if not 4. My sister's college graduation, my school's graduation, and one or two graduations of the girls I have been mentoring. Oh, and that's all within two days.
4. I have to finish teaching. And finish online teaching. And create, give, and grade final exams.
Wanna brief glimpse at my calendar as of late? I'll only go back to last Friday.
Friday the 6th: Spring Fling event at school, 6 - 10 pm (home at 11)
Monday the 9th: State StuCo Camp Meeting in Denver at 3 pm, Senior Sunset at school 7 - 8:30 pm (home at 9, after having left the house at 6:30 am)
Tuesday the 10th: Choir Concert at school, 7 - 9 pm
Wednesday the 11th: Sister-in-law's birthday dinner
Thursday the 12th: Senior Awards night at school, 6:30 - 9:30 ish.
Friday the 13th: Assembly during school, hosting the 8th grade passage dance from 4 - 6 pm, Church Small group from 6:30 - whenever.
Saturday the 14th: StuCo End of Year Farewell Retreat, 9 - 4 pm at my parents', but I have to shop before and clean up after.
Monday the 16th: StuCo Induction, 5 - 8:30 ish at school, including set up and clean up.
Tuesday the 17th: Choir Concert at my mom's school, 7 - 9 pm.
Thursday the 19th: My school's graduation
Friday the 20th: My sister's college graduation at 10 am, and my mentee's high school graduation at 6 pm.
Saturday the 21st: U2 Concert.
Monday - Friday the 23rd - 27th: Finals Week
Friday the 27th: My other mentee's graduation and a friend's wedding, at the same time. Husband is going to the wedding, me to the graduation. I'll try to make it to the reception.
I kind of feel like this......Do you blame me?
I'm thinking Husband and I need a romantic night away after all of this.
But please note - I love almost everything about my job. It's just that this time of the year is INSANE. Someone asked me recently if things were winding down. Ha. They speed up and then come to a screeching halt. But I love it, I really do - at least, the part with the kids. The grading and planning I could use a break from. :)
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Freedom
Freedom, I realized, is a word I've been hearing and thinking a lot about lately, but hadn't really spent any time connecting the pieces. Freedom is something we long for, we cling to. Moments like this one (albeit a movie) speak to the core of our souls, because we long to be free.
Ah... a moment. We had a similar one at our school for Veteran's day this year, when a local Vietnam vet spoke to our students, sharing his reflections and how, when he came home, he was spit on, and mocked, and made fun of.... but that what he cared most about, was this one thing- he stepped away from the podium, away from the microphone, flung his arms wide, shouted Freedom! And we all were moved.
Freedom is a powerful concept.
A few weeks ago I had the chance to share a short testimony at an evening for high school girls at church called, appropriately, Freedom Night. There was worship, testimonies, a question panel, and a time of reflection, and a couple of beautiful ballet pieces to, mostly, Barlow Girl songs. Topics included self-image, relationships, sexuality, and more. It was intense, and so powerful. I was asked to give a brief testimony (like 5 minutes) on self-image and my freedom from my struggles. I was so freaked out about the whole time limit thing (I'm a talker), and there were so many components to my story, that I finally, about 30 minutes before I was supposed to arrive at the church, jotted down my thoughts, which, as I wrote, realized, although not necessarily a narrative, were my story. A friend asked me to share those words on my blog, so here they are.
Insecurity. Meaning I don't feel safe in my own skin. Self image tied to self worth. The video (referring to the Dove Evolution Video) says we have a distorted image of beauty. I knew that, but didn't believe it. Skinny people always taling about the tragedy of eating disorders. Be quiet, skinny people. I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I wasn't ugly, but I wasn't beautiful. What was my worth? Always comparing myself to others, measuring myself. I look better than her.. oh, but not as good as her. I'm skinner than her... yuck, but fatter than her.
All of these thoughts show some of my disordered thinmking, which lead to disordered behavior. Should I eat today, after all I ate already? Never good enough. A perpetual obession. No control.
Freedom.
I was made by The God who made the goregous mountains, the intricate beauty of flowers, the shimmery diamonds of the sea. I am always in awe of his perfection. He created ALL beautiful things.
And he created ME.
And more. He LOVES me.
He who has all things in his hands
Loves
Me.
My big smile, my oversized my ribcage, my blueeyes, my doughy stomach.
And if I am measuring myself by any other standar, if my worth is coming from anything, it ought to be that.
That I am loved and I was made THIS way, with THIS body and face, by THE ONE.
It doesn't mean sometimes I don't still compar myself, or that I don't have days I feel fat, or days where I forget, and put myself down because of how I look.
But then I remember.
If I let my identity, my worth, be based in anything else, I will me miserable. I must make a choice, a daily choice, to remember.
I am NOT defined by the world's image of beauty, because I am FREE from those expectations.
I was made by a Master Artist, THE Master Artist of ALL things beautiful.
And He Loves Me.
So I am Beautiful.
And I am Free.
There's more to my thoughts on freedom. This morning I was praying for several people and the need for their freedom kept coming to my heart. We are held captive, the scripture says, and HE came to set us FREE.
"Fight, and you may die. Run, and you may live. At least a while." What kind of life is it when we are captives? Freedom does not come easily, I think. It requires persistence, dedication, perseverance, heartbreak, sweat, and tears.
Yet we crave it. We need it. And He offers it.
I claim that word today. May you also.
Ah... a moment. We had a similar one at our school for Veteran's day this year, when a local Vietnam vet spoke to our students, sharing his reflections and how, when he came home, he was spit on, and mocked, and made fun of.... but that what he cared most about, was this one thing- he stepped away from the podium, away from the microphone, flung his arms wide, shouted Freedom! And we all were moved.
Freedom is a powerful concept.
A few weeks ago I had the chance to share a short testimony at an evening for high school girls at church called, appropriately, Freedom Night. There was worship, testimonies, a question panel, and a time of reflection, and a couple of beautiful ballet pieces to, mostly, Barlow Girl songs. Topics included self-image, relationships, sexuality, and more. It was intense, and so powerful. I was asked to give a brief testimony (like 5 minutes) on self-image and my freedom from my struggles. I was so freaked out about the whole time limit thing (I'm a talker), and there were so many components to my story, that I finally, about 30 minutes before I was supposed to arrive at the church, jotted down my thoughts, which, as I wrote, realized, although not necessarily a narrative, were my story. A friend asked me to share those words on my blog, so here they are.
Insecurity. Meaning I don't feel safe in my own skin. Self image tied to self worth. The video (referring to the Dove Evolution Video) says we have a distorted image of beauty. I knew that, but didn't believe it. Skinny people always taling about the tragedy of eating disorders. Be quiet, skinny people. I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I wasn't ugly, but I wasn't beautiful. What was my worth? Always comparing myself to others, measuring myself. I look better than her.. oh, but not as good as her. I'm skinner than her... yuck, but fatter than her.
All of these thoughts show some of my disordered thinmking, which lead to disordered behavior. Should I eat today, after all I ate already? Never good enough. A perpetual obession. No control.
Freedom.
I was made by The God who made the goregous mountains, the intricate beauty of flowers, the shimmery diamonds of the sea. I am always in awe of his perfection. He created ALL beautiful things.
And he created ME.
And more. He LOVES me.
He who has all things in his hands
Loves
Me.
My big smile, my oversized my ribcage, my blueeyes, my doughy stomach.
And if I am measuring myself by any other standar, if my worth is coming from anything, it ought to be that.
That I am loved and I was made THIS way, with THIS body and face, by THE ONE.
It doesn't mean sometimes I don't still compar myself, or that I don't have days I feel fat, or days where I forget, and put myself down because of how I look.
But then I remember.
If I let my identity, my worth, be based in anything else, I will me miserable. I must make a choice, a daily choice, to remember.
I am NOT defined by the world's image of beauty, because I am FREE from those expectations.
I was made by a Master Artist, THE Master Artist of ALL things beautiful.
And He Loves Me.
So I am Beautiful.
And I am Free.
There's more to my thoughts on freedom. This morning I was praying for several people and the need for their freedom kept coming to my heart. We are held captive, the scripture says, and HE came to set us FREE.
"Fight, and you may die. Run, and you may live. At least a while." What kind of life is it when we are captives? Freedom does not come easily, I think. It requires persistence, dedication, perseverance, heartbreak, sweat, and tears.
Yet we crave it. We need it. And He offers it.
I claim that word today. May you also.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Mondays
You know the expression, "A Case of the Mondays"?
Poor Mondays. They have earned such a bad reputation over the years, purported to be the worst day of the week, the day work resumes, where fun ends. Nobody seems to like Mondays.
Yet, are they really any worse than any other day? Sure, we like Wednesdays, because they are the "halfway" point of the work week... but if we're honest, we know that we still have two more days of work to come. And Thursdays? Just awful, because they feel like Fridays, but aren't. Sunday? The day before the dreaded day. How many Sundays have lost their sparkle because someone thought, "man, I have to go back to work tomorrow"? Even Saturdays, the best day, can be a challenge as we rush to do all the things we couldn't get done during the work week.
What did Monday do, though, to deserve such a reputation?
Do we truly hate our jobs that much? What a sad commentary on our society that our careers are viewed as the worst part of the week, particularly since we Americans spend a heck of a lot of time working. In most of the Hispanic cultures, people work to live, not live to work, yet still manage to work with the spirit of "the fiesta" in their hearts.
I am busy. (You know that.) I don't like how busy I am, and I bit off more than I could figuratively chew this year, so I manage, but live a life in a state of perpetually behind. And it's not my favorite. I pretty much hate creating online curriculum every weekend, and look forward to the day (in a month!) when I am done with that. I won't do it again next year, even if it means a paycut. Grading piles up. Meetings seem to take forever.
But I love my job, you know? Because every day I get to hang out with some of tWhe coolest people in the world, I think. These kids are the face of the future. They are our next doctors, lawyers, presidents, politicians, heros, visionaries. When given the chance to show who they are, they shine, and when given the chance to get out of the boxes we stick them in, they reveal that they care about others and the world. Right now they want to be anything and everything, and they don't think about their future Mondays as they day they have to go back to their dreaded job. They want their jobs to be something they LOVE.
Why have we lost that? Even if our job is something that just pays the bills, it probably involves other people, and when there are people around, there is always worth, and joy can always be found.
To Mondays, a great day, I think.
May we choose to pursue our endeavours today with joy, with passion, with zeal. Let's not create another generation who thinks "a case of the Mondays" is a bad thing. Instead, let's change that expression to mean that someone is excited to do what they are doing, that they are doing it with passion, and that they are inspiring others to do the same.
Oh, and to be truthful, what Monday isn't better when it's actually daylight when I leave the house? What a joy it was to walk out my front door at 6:20, expecting darkness, and being greeted with light? Oh, how I love Spring and Summer.
Poor Mondays. They have earned such a bad reputation over the years, purported to be the worst day of the week, the day work resumes, where fun ends. Nobody seems to like Mondays.
Yet, are they really any worse than any other day? Sure, we like Wednesdays, because they are the "halfway" point of the work week... but if we're honest, we know that we still have two more days of work to come. And Thursdays? Just awful, because they feel like Fridays, but aren't. Sunday? The day before the dreaded day. How many Sundays have lost their sparkle because someone thought, "man, I have to go back to work tomorrow"? Even Saturdays, the best day, can be a challenge as we rush to do all the things we couldn't get done during the work week.
What did Monday do, though, to deserve such a reputation?
Do we truly hate our jobs that much? What a sad commentary on our society that our careers are viewed as the worst part of the week, particularly since we Americans spend a heck of a lot of time working. In most of the Hispanic cultures, people work to live, not live to work, yet still manage to work with the spirit of "the fiesta" in their hearts.
I am busy. (You know that.) I don't like how busy I am, and I bit off more than I could figuratively chew this year, so I manage, but live a life in a state of perpetually behind. And it's not my favorite. I pretty much hate creating online curriculum every weekend, and look forward to the day (in a month!) when I am done with that. I won't do it again next year, even if it means a paycut. Grading piles up. Meetings seem to take forever.
But I love my job, you know? Because every day I get to hang out with some of tWhe coolest people in the world, I think. These kids are the face of the future. They are our next doctors, lawyers, presidents, politicians, heros, visionaries. When given the chance to show who they are, they shine, and when given the chance to get out of the boxes we stick them in, they reveal that they care about others and the world. Right now they want to be anything and everything, and they don't think about their future Mondays as they day they have to go back to their dreaded job. They want their jobs to be something they LOVE.
Why have we lost that? Even if our job is something that just pays the bills, it probably involves other people, and when there are people around, there is always worth, and joy can always be found.
To Mondays, a great day, I think.
May we choose to pursue our endeavours today with joy, with passion, with zeal. Let's not create another generation who thinks "a case of the Mondays" is a bad thing. Instead, let's change that expression to mean that someone is excited to do what they are doing, that they are doing it with passion, and that they are inspiring others to do the same.
Oh, and to be truthful, what Monday isn't better when it's actually daylight when I leave the house? What a joy it was to walk out my front door at 6:20, expecting darkness, and being greeted with light? Oh, how I love Spring and Summer.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Faithful to the End
I've been listening to this song on repeat every time I get in the car and alternating between singing my heart out and just being enveloped in every chord, every note, every word.
In searching for a video with the song to show you, I came across this one of a young woman dancing to the song and was enthralled with another layer of depth.
Watch her passion. Or close your eyes and just listen. Or turn it up and dance yourself.
Glory to the Righteous One. HE is faithful to the end, He is faithul to my heart.
Song: Faithful to the End by Cory Asbury
In searching for a video with the song to show you, I came across this one of a young woman dancing to the song and was enthralled with another layer of depth.
Watch her passion. Or close your eyes and just listen. Or turn it up and dance yourself.
Glory to the Righteous One. HE is faithful to the end, He is faithul to my heart.
Song: Faithful to the End by Cory Asbury
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