Catching Up: On Husband

This is the perfect day to catch up on what's going on in Husband's life, because this day is about us.

Today, in case you are wondering, is our 4th anniversary.  For years ago we said, "I do," and promised to walk with each other through each day of our lives, through the ups and the downs, the goods and the bads, the beautiful and the ugly.  I'm so proud to be married to this man, to be going through life together, to be learning each day how to be a man and woman who love the Lord, love each other, love our son, and to do life well.

I'm ready for four more years, and then forty more after that, and forever even after that.

A while back I posted these two posts (He Answers and What He's Listening To) that had to do with Husband's job.  After four years with the same company, he was no longer going to be employed there, and we were completely unsure of what was in store for him and for us.  Much time was spent discussing what he wanted to do, what he thought would be satisfying, where he could go to grow.  He'd known for a while that he didn't want to be doing manual labor his entire life, but without a college degree, being an electrician was about it.  And, just for the record, we were really proud of his accomplishments as an electrician so far, too.  He'd gone through a four-year trade school program and graduated with honors.  He'd tested for and received his Journeyman's License.  He'd really pushed himself to do well in that field, and continues to do so.  But it isn't what he wants to do with his life.

After much prayer, consideration, and lots of talking about all the difficulties we would potentially face, Husband decided it was time for him to give college another try, and this time, hopefully, to walk away with a Bachelor's in Electrical Engineering.  He did a ton of research about the program, meeting with academic advisors and the Dean of Engineering.  He found out about financial aid and was awarded a Pell Grant for this year.  And, at the beginning of July, he started his first three classes.  For this term, two of them are online and one is in-building, on Monday and Wednesday nights.  So far, he's doing pretty well, although we've definitely seen already the effects of the change in our evening schedule.  The nights he is home, he has homework.  The nights he has class, he has homework to do when he gets back.  It's been a blessing that I haven't been in school yet, so we can sort of deveop a routine for him that works before I added my schedule requirements to the mix. 

We're excited, but also apprehensive.  School is hard for Husband.  Somewhere along the line of his education, he began to believe the lie that a person who has trouble learning quickly is stupid, the lie that a person who has trouble in math is stupid, that a person whose brain doesn't organize information easily is stupid.

In essence, he began to believe the lie that he is stupid. 

So school, and this degree in particular, holds a lot of scary things for him.  A lot of math, a lot of complicated things to study, to learn.  I am confident that he can do it, but I know it's going to be hard.  He is learning how to be organized, how to study, how to not give in and quit when the going gets rough.  I'm learning how to not be a know-it-all (school is my forte), how to be supportive and enouraging, how and when to turn teacher-mode off and when to turn it on.

And, of, course, Husband doesn't just get to go to school.  He also has a full-time job.  At the beginning of June, he found a job at a company located on the southern end of the city.  After two days of working there, Husband was completely discouraged.  Without going into a bunch of details about an electrical company, I will just say this: it was not the right fit for him.  We thought for a while that maybe if he stuck it out, it would get better, but day after day, he came home exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  The pace was frantic, the hours demanding (60+ a week, including every Saturday, and he was leaving the house before 5 am to get to work), and the organization of the company somewhat lacking.  The potential pay, while really good, didn't appear to be worth it, at least not for us.  Not with Husband starting school, me going back to work, and a four-month old son at home.  We just didn't see how he could stay there; it seemed like the job was sucking every bit of joy right out of him.

God, thankfully, allowed Husband to leave that job.  A man from church works for another company in town, one pretty close to where we live, and after an interview there, Husband was hired.  Four days on the job and he already seems so much happier.  He's got a spring in his step again, even though they asked if he could work this Saturday.  Working Saturday at this place means overtime, whereas before it didn't.  My favorite part?  The owners of the company and at least one of the other higher-ups are Christians, and they get together once a month to pray for the company.  Husband has never worked at a place with Christians before.  While the company doesn't appear to be labeled as "Christian," he will have the opportunity to work with and for people who believe the same as he does, who, in a field with pretty low moral standards, will hold themselves and him to higher ones.   It's awesome.  You can just see the weight lifted off his shoulders.

We know that we're entering a stage of life that has the potential to be very difficult, but we're ready to take it on.  My man, my husband, is tackling something huge, something he wants, something he's excited about.  He's doing it while working a full-time job, being a dad, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, a worship-team member, and, most of all, a Jesus-follower.  I am so glad to be able to be the wife that believes in him, that supports him.

These next four (or more likely five) years will probably holdsome of the downs, the bads, and the ugly I mentioned earlier, but they will also be full of the ups, the downs, and the beautiful as we continue to do life together.

Who Knew?

Who Knew That...

... some babies don't like to take naps for more than 30 minutes at a time, making it nearly imposisble to get anything of substance done?

... sneaking all sorts of bits of chocolate and other things here and there during pregnancy would indeed make it a little lot more challenging to lose the preggo-weight (read my plea for accountability here?

... a bedroom could seem so much bigger when you take the pack-and-play away and have the baby sleep in his own room?

... making a meal plan for the week and buying the groceries accordingly actually helps you stick to the budget and eat healthier?

... your house is never quite as picked up as you'd like it to be when you have a child, no matter how old they are, I'm guessing?

... you can memorize some of those children's books pretty quickly?  The sun has set not long ago, and everybody goes below... I don't even read that book anymore, I just recite it as we rock before bed.  (The Going to Bed Book, by Sandra Boynton)

... figuring out how to cut your spending to find a seemingly exorbitant amount of money to pay for daycare is quite challenging?

... coming up with creative, non-mommy things to blog is also challenging, since my day is mostly mommy-ish?

... that, even if I wanted to tell you about something non-mommy-ish, like the yummy homemade lettuce wraps with quinoa, chicken, and veggies I made yesterday, it would sort of be pointless because I didn't think to get a picture because I barely had time to make them?

...watching your baby's face light up in a huge smile when he sees you could so totally make your day?

... that Jesus still has a lot to say to you, if you'd just take the time to listen?

... and that He doesn't mind if your quiet time is interrupted frequently by attending to the baby; He still wants to talk?

... it is nearly impossible to grasp what life is going to be like when I go back to work and Husband starts school?

... how much I would miss Husband when he went back to work, even though I was (am) glad he was able to get a job?

... how freaking adorable it is to see my son sleeping in his crib, a little baby in a big bed, with his arms flung wide out of the blanket since he is apparently incapable of falling asleep without being swaddled but also incapable of not wiggling free?

... it's hard not to wish I had more followers or comments and wonder how I could grow my blog, while simultaenously stubbornly refusing to take the time to find, go to, read, and comment on others' blogs, which I think might be the trick?

... that I would be annoyed with myself for caring about something stupid like followers and comments?

... that the Bumbo may not be something our Peanut likes, even though you'd think he would?

... that DVR would be one of my almost favorite-ist things, especially upon discovery of some fun Food Network shows?

... that I end up staying awake way later than I should to grab some "me" time and put the house to sort-of-rights after Will goes to sleep, so I secretly sometimes wish his bedtime was a little earlier?

... that I could easily come up with a bunch more things I didn't apparently know?


You probably knew.... but I'm just learning them. 

On Doing it All

This new season of life seems to demand more from me than I have had to give, be, and do before.

To quickly update you, Husband's losing his job (which was something I was surprisingly okay with) has resulted in two things:

One: his decision to go to college to get an electrical engineering degree.  He's really, really excited about this opportunity, and he begins taking classes online and at night in July.  The next four to six years will include a lot of night classes, since most of the courses for this degree are not available online.  We talked at length about how hard that is going to be, since he'll work during the day and then go to class or have homework at night, plus the responsibilities of being a husband and dad.  Since I'll be working full-time, too, it promises to be a little rough.

Two:  he got a job at a local electrical company and started last week.  It is turning out to be a little more than he bargained - they do piece work, which means they get paid per job completed, not by the hour, and Saturdays are expected as well.  He'd worked more than 40 hours in the first four days, and has left by 6 am each day this week.  He's exhausted.  He's also had several things going on in the evenings this week, so we're getting a glimpse of how rarely we're going to get to see each other once he starts classes.

Needless to say, this stresses me out a little bit.  Okay, a lot of a bit.

This brings me back to this season, where I feel a little afraid apprenhensive as I think I feel like I'm "doing it all."  Can any of you working moms relate? 

Once school starts, I'll be back to work full time.  I'll have four in-building Spanish classes, Student Council (a class AND a heck of lot of after school/evening time), and (most likely) an online Spanish class.  I nearly always have some sort of work in the evenings. 

I'll also have a baby to pick up from day care, feed, spend time with, and get ready for bed.  Since finances are tight and we want to be healthy anyway, you can add in preparing dinner for the family and getting my lunch ready for the next day.  I can't stand a messy house, so I'll need to make sure that the house is picked up and somewhat clean.  And I'll want to support Husband in any way that I can, helping him with his school-work however I am able.  He'll help as much as he can, because that was part of the deal when I agreed that he should/could go back to school - but it appears like he'll be gone a lot, and when he's home, he'll be exhausted. 

I'm not really meaning to complain here, nor to freak out about something I'm sure many moms do, but I want to be honest.  I'm a little nervous about how much responsibility I think I'm going to have.  Maybe it won't be as hard as I think it will be, but I think that until now, I've been able to be relatively selfish and focus a lot on my job (which I LOVE).  But my priorities are different now, and I want to do these things the best I can.

God has, however, been working in my heart in a few areas relating to this topic.  I'll tell you about that later, because for now, I'm off to get the baby up from his nap, finish the laundry, and get something to eat for lunch.  I'm thinking vanilla greek yogurt with a nectarine and some almonds mixed in.

What He's Listening To

On Monday I shared with you the truth that not only is He listening, but He answers.  I couldn't share with you what prompted that post at the time, but I can now.

A week ago Thursday, Husband came home with a story of a not-so-good situation at work.  It shouldn't have been a big deal, but it got blown out of proportion, and more or less, his co-workers threw him under the proverbial bus.  Friday he worked at a different site while his boss was going to supposedly "work it out."  I say supposedly because, in my opinion, his boss had no intention of doing any such thing.  Monday morning he told Husband that they needed to talk, but he was too busy until Tuesday, so he'd have to wait.  In the meantime, Husband had the day off.  Bravely, Husband told Boss, "I was stressed about this all weekend, so I just need to ask.  Do I need to be looking for another job?"  Boss' reply?  "Possibly."

Hence, we prayed, and God listened and answered.

On Tuesday, Husband and Boss met for lunch.  Boss didn't even mention the incident from Thursday that was the trigger of all of this, instead citing that "the guys had been complaining" about Husband.  He could only reference one particular story, where both Husband and the co-worker were part of a misunderstanding.  Co-worker, though, apparently made it sound like Husband was totally to blame and that Husband isn't doing a good job.  Whatever, Co-worker.  I'm on to you. 

Finally, Husband asked Boss point blank if he was being let go.  "Yes."  They sorted out the details.  Husband asked a few questions.  Boss promised to be a good reference for him.  Whatever, Boss.  I'm on to you.

Husband's first words to me where that he felt like "this was a long time coming."  His opinion was that Boss had been saving up little things people had been saying about Husband, and rather than communicating them all along so Husband could work on things, just stored them up until now.  (Not that we know what those things are, since Boss had only the one example.) 

It would be easy to be frustrated, because Husband has been there for four years, longer than any of these other guys.  Husband has witnessed plenty of mistakes and issues from his co-workers, but he's not the type to go complaining to the boss.  He's shown plenty of loyalty to this company, but is receiving none back.

Yet mostly, I feel peace about it.  Yes, that's right. I feel good about my husband losing his job.  (For now.  Remind me of that in a month if he is still jobless.)

You see, there was no life for Husband at this company.  It wasn't an uplifting, life-giving environment for him.  I realize that no job can be that all the time, but this job was NEVER that.  And he was weary of it, most of the time.

Now he's excited about some prospects.  He's looking for a job, obviously, but not necessarily a job he wants to keep for ever.  One prospect he's looking into is school.  Electrical Engineering.  You have to understand how huge it is that he would be excited about school, particularly something as hard as engineering.  School has always been very hard for him, and he doesn't love it. But he met with the dean at a local university that caters to non-traditional students, and he's excited.  I don't know if it's financially viable right now (we were in a tight situation before the job loss), but I'm excited that he's excited, and we're going to look into it.  God knows what will work out.

I should be scared and stressed.  Finances are tough.  I was going to post the other week about how we'd just gone through things and it was tight.  As in, don't know how we're going to pay for daycare in the fall tight.  As in, what can we get rid of to nickle and dime our way into having enough to live on tight.  As in, should we sell our townhouse and move into something cheaper, or with my parents, tight.  So this should stress me out.

But instead, I am hopeful.  Husband is excited.  And I keep being listened to, and answered.  Here are a few of the things He keeps saying.  (All from Jesus Calling.)

I AM YOUR LORD!  Seek Me as Friend and Lover of your soul, but remember that I am also King of kings - sovereign over all.  You can make some plans as you gaze into the day that stretches out before you.  But you need to hold those plans tentatively, anticipating that I may have other ideas....  Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for the things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you and the One who never leaves your side....  Trust me to show you what to do when you have finished what you are doing now.  I will guide you step by step, as you bend your will to Mine. 

(Proverbs 19:21, LUke 1:79)

AS YOU SIT QUIETLY in My Presence, remember that I am a God of abundance.  I will never run out of resources; My capacity to bless you is unlimited

(Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 5:7)

COME TO ME with your plans held in abeyance.  Worship Me in spirit and in truth, allowing My Glory to permeate your entire being.  Trust Me enough to let Me guide you through this day, accomplishing My purposes in My timing.  Subordinate your myriad plans to My Master Plan.  I am sovereign over every aspect of your life!

The challenge continually before you is to trust Me and search for My way through each day.  Do not blindly follow your habitual route, or you will miss what I have prepared for you.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts higher than your thoughts. 

(John 4:24, Isaiah 55:8-9)

His promises are secure. I'm learning, though, that to really fully grasp ahold of them, we need to earnestly seek and spend time with Him.  As our pastor said last week, "once a week for an hour is not enough time to cultivate an intimate relationship with Him."  It must be more.

We are confident that He is with us, and with that knowledge, we can do this.  It will be a stretching season, a growing one, but I am sure, a blessed one, as He walks the path before us and with us. 

While we are not sure where we are going, we know it will be Good.  Pray with us for wisdom and discernment as we take each step, won't you?

He Answers

If ever I doubted that He hears us, consider my doubts removed.  He hears, and He answers.

At this moment, I cannot share with you the particular situation that Husband and I are facing, but I can tell you our initial reactions. 

Fear.  Feelings of failure and frustration.  Uncertainty. 

"Let's see what Jesus has to say," I said.  We turned to the devotional Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.  "Lord, let Your words be just the words we need to hear today," I prayed silently.  For Husband to hear, he needed to hear the perfect words.  And I began to read aloud, without scanning ahead.

May 14.

I AM A MIGHTY GOD.  Nothing is too difficult for Me.  I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes.  Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.  When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic.  Remember that  I am with you.  Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation.

I am not a careless God.  When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them.  Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.

(Luke 1:37, 2 Corinthians 12:9)

About halfway through I began to cry.  "Okay, God, You're listening to us.  I see that."  We read it aloud twice, and then each silently on our own, praying through it.  Husband went back a few days in the book, to see what Jesus had to say the day this story began.  I didn't read it with him, but apparently the words were again in answer.  "Apparently we should be listening to Him more often," we commented. 

We talked about what we were feeling, and then prayed together, knowing clearly that God was listening.  We asked for wisdom, for clarity, for discernment.  For peace, for our identities to be wrapped up in the Lord alone, for provision.  We know He was listening, as He continues to listen. 

And He answers.





Friends, I look forward to the opportunity I will have to share the rest of the story with you in the future, as we know we are not walking alone.  Our path is lit (although we cannot see just yet), and it has already been traveled upon (although we do not know where it will go).  Until then, pray with me, won't you?

A Good Friday

Writer's Note: I did, in fact, start this post on Friday.  And then I was distracted by the Peanut, as you might imagine can happen with a two-week old.  And then I was distracted on Saturday.  And Sunday.  And so I am just now, on Monday afternoon, getting to post this.  But at least it's getting posted.


Today, so far, has been a good Friday, on this Good Friday.  We had a rough night's sleep, but the Peanut (okay, Will) has had a great morning, and Husband came home early and is getting to see the side of his son that he hasn't been able to see this week - the sweet, still-deep blue eyes looking up at him and around at the world, his peaceful, non-crying sleep.  It makes my heart happy, because it's hard that most of the time Husband is home are the hours when Will fusses more or when our sleep is incredibly interrupted.    Right now they're cuddling on the couch as Husband watches a movie.  Happy heart, yes.

I opened up Facebook this morning, still groggy from the night's "sleep," and began to see my believing friends' posts about Good Friday.  "Oh yes," I thought.  "It's Good Friday.  I nearly forgot."  (Easter has really snuck up on us - the last few months were all about getting to the end of my working and getting to the birth of the Peanut.)  I'd realized in the last few days that, no matter how busy, how tired, I needed to get back into my regular quiet times.  What better day than today to start?

First, I'd love for you to read this post on when I first really began to appreciate Good Friday.  Growing up in a Christian home, you'd think I would have cared earlier, but it really wasn't until I was a Junior in college that it clicked.  If you have time, read it, please.  You'll understand me better.
This morning I opened up my Bible to Luke as I continue to make my way through the New Testament.  It was fitting, I thought, that as I held my nearly two-week old son in my arms, I read about Jesus' birth, rather than his death, on this day.  The shepherds were heralded in the fields by angels, told of the baby's birth.  Mary put her baby to sleep in a manger in a strange place, not in her home.  And Jesus, a tiny baby, was already the Messiah.  He didn't grow up to become the Messiah, he was Messiah.

My first thought was "May I be even half the woman that Mary was."  I'd already read earlier in Luke Mary's interaction with the angel as he foretold that she would be the mother of the Messiah. 

"Good morning!
You're beautiful with God's beauty,
Beautiful inside and out!
God be with you."

the angel greeted Mary (via the Message).  Would that I be called beautiful, inside and out, with God's beauty.  And Mary, after a brief moment of questioning, responds:

"Yes, I see it all now:
I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve.
Let it be with me
just as you say."

Mary is just awesome.  And here, at the birth of her son, the Messiah, I know she must have felt some of the same things I feel when I look at my son.  He's tiny, helpless, depenedent on me.  Yet at the same time, she knew he was the Messiah, the Savior.   And she was responsible for his life and his well-being.  He was a baby, not a saint.  I can't imagine he didn't cry and eat and poop just the like the rest of the babies.... and Mary was his mom.  Wow.

May I be even half the woman she was.

Then I wondered why God chose to send himself, his son, as a baby, and a baby to a carpenter, instead of a king.  So small, so humiliating.  No, wait, that's not the right word.  Not humiliating, I realized, but humbling. 

The Lord God, the Almighty, the Great I Am, humbled himself to come to be with us, and what less auspicious way to do so then to come as a baby, the most humble of beings? 

And then it struck me. 

When I consider his death, today, too, I realize he did it again.  To die on a cross, like a common criminal, between two common criminals, was humiliating.  No, not humiliating.  Humbling. 

The Lord God, the Almight, the Great I Am, humbled himself to die for us, to atone for the sins that we hadn't even yet committed, and he died in the most awful of ways. 

We believe in a God, we serve a God, we have been saved by a God who cared enough about us to completely humble Himself from the beginning to the end of His time here.


How then, can I, can we, still refuse to do the same?  How can we so stubbornly cling to our pride, our selfishness, our own desires and wishes? 

May this Easter season be one where I let go of those things I so ridiculously hold onto, and may I instead follow the example that has been set before me and humble myself, just as He did.

Outward, Not Inward

First, nope, no Peanut arrival yet.  We're glad about that, as I would really like to work through next week and have a few days of Spring Break to breathe before we begin.  We'll see.

I'm working my way through the New Testament as one of my 30 Before 30 Goals, and I've just started Luke.  (If it's okay to be proud of myself, I am, because never before have I consistently kept reading and progressing for this many months at a time.)  Last week I was finishing up with Mark, which concludes with Jesus' death and resurrection.  It's interesting reading the Gospels, because twice now I've read the "same" stories, from Matthew and from Mark, and am really trying to seek new perspectives.  I know I'll encounter this same need in Luke, too.

My first tendency when I read stories where the disciples "screw up," like when Peter sinks in the water after walking or denies knowing Jesus multiple times out of fear or when they all run away in the garden at His arrest, is to identify myself with them.  Would I have even gotten out of the boat?  In what ways to I deny knowing Him in my life?  What am I so afraid of that I would run away, instead of stay?

Since Thanksgiving Break, when I decided to "Just Do It" and really commit to spending some time intentionally developing my relationship with Him, I've been learning a lot.  You've read some of it.  Glory.  Relationship.  I kept finding out that there was (IS!) more to Him than I knew, and that if I really wanted to love Him, to know Him, I needed to keep pursuing. 

Often, and especially lately, when I've read, my focus has been on what I need to do, how I need to grow, what He might be telling me about me.

As I read the story of His death and resurrection again the other day, though, and started to think the same thoughts about how I would react, it struck me.

Yes, this was FOR me, but it wasn't ABOUT me. 

It's about HIM.

Let me take a moment and tear my self-centered-even-in-the-midst-of-Bible-study focus away from myself and recognize that

It. Isn't. About. Me.

What an amazing man, what an amazing God, what an an amazing Father, to do the things He did, He does, He will do.    I need to spend a little more time pondering and reflecting on that, you know?
Yes, sure, it's good for me to let Him correct me, to teach me, to mold me.  Absolutely.  But it's really about Him.  (And wasn't that what I was learning about Glory, before, anyway?) 


Some friends introduced Husband to this song.  It's the song of our hearts right now.  For him, mostly, I think because there is some hard stuff he's wading through and it speaks right to what he needs to hear.  For me, well. I started out loving the music.  It's all good, but right at about 3:20 when the drums start to intensify I just find myself drawn in.  You really need to listen. Then it's the words about all the things He has already overcome that speak to me. 



And then this morning, as I was listening again on my way to work, I realized.

Yet again, I'm thinking about me. 

Yes, All our troubles, all our tears.  But God of Hope, He has overcome.
Yes, All our failures, all our fears.  But God of Love, He has overcome.
Yes, All our heartache, all our pain.  But God our Healer, He has overcome.
Yes, All our burdens, all our shame.  But God our Freedom, He has overcome.

God of Justice.  God of Praise.  God our Freedom.  He has overcome.
God our Refuge.  God our Strength.  God is with us. He has overcome.


It's about Him.  Look Outward, Beth.  Outward.

Love Day

I choose to celebrate Valentine's Day, not because I buy into (emotionally or financially) the commercialized "must show my Husband how much I love him one day a year" mentality, but because it is a day that celebrates love.

You know, LOVE.

Agape. Philia. Storge. Eros. Agape, selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love. Philia, close friendship or brotherly love. Storge, family love, the bond among fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers. Eros, physical sensual love between a man and his wife. (I confess, I had never heard the word "storge" before, but I'm liking it.) LOVE.

And I'm of the opinion that love is worth celebrating, worth cherishing, worth taking time to remember. That, if we are truly living, we'll love, from the very center of our being. Love is a verb, a noun, an action, a thing, a feeling, a doing. It encompasses all.

Now, I'm not into commercial Valentine's Day. Husband and I bought each other cards and wrote a heart-message to each other. Sister and I bought each other a little gift, a tradition we've had forever. Sometimes Husband and I go out to dinner or cook together, but today our family is coming in from out of town for a week, so we'll go see them instead. I'm not upset about not having a grand overture of love displayed. I don't need a dozen roses or a huge box of chocolates or a fancy dinner.

I just want to celebrate LOVE.

I love my husband.

3 and a half years of marriage, 6 + years of being together, and I love him and maybe more importantly, respect my husband more than I did even last year. I love growing with him, learning with him, being with him. I've shared with you recently some reasons I'm thankful for him and some things the Lord has been teaching me about him and things we've been going through. I've shared how he, Baby C, and the dog are my family now, how I just want to spend time with them. 7 years ago, when I first met Husband, I would never have dreamed that I would be married to him, having a family with him, loving him. But he's my man, and I am so glad I allowed God to work with my heart, and that Husband and I continue to do so as we grow together. LOVE.

I love my family.

My little man, who I haven't met yet, but will soon. I am terrified at how much I think I might end up loving him, but excited all the same. I love my sister, my best friend. She's always there, always ready to laugh, cry, be serious, be silly. I love my parents, who have supported me year after year, put up with a lot and done so with grace and love, and who are now among those I call my friends. I love my dog. She brings me great joy. LOVE.

I love my friends.

My BFF, Brooke, now in Korea, is the one of the first people I want to call when I have a story to tell, or need to indulge in some over-sharing. She's a friend I know I've have no matter how much time or distance separates us. My cousin-BFF, Caroline, who is exactly 5 months older than I am, and had her first baby boy about 3 months before I'll have mine. She's a friend that I've had my whole life, and because I know we've already survived the growing-up ups and downs, we'll be friends always. My friend Liz, whom I met in Spain randomly several years ago, who randomly moved here and became my roommate a few years after that, who was in my wedding and I in hers, who is one of my best sounding boards. My small group people, as we all learn to live life together. LOVE.

I love my job, and my students. They teach me more than anything or anyone else, inspire me, challenge me, grow me. LOVE.

And most of all, I love the One, my creator, savior, father, lord, friend, lover.

Well, I want to love Him. I know that HE loves me.

And His love is

generous
unconditional
endless
perfect
powerful
life-changing
gracious
passionate
greater
stronger
enough.

And I know that, the more I invest in time spent with Him, the more I know Him, the more I'm going to love Him, too. The more He'll change my life, the more He'll be what I need. Because I'll love him, catching a glimpse of how He loves me.

LOVE.

Seems like it's worth celebrating, don't you think?

May today you be wrapped in love, shower it onto others, and know that love is perhaps the most true and worthy thing to celebrate, anyway.

Thoughts on Impending Motherhood

It's been a little over a week since I last blogged - not because I haven't had posts ready mentally, but because the speed of life has been picking up and most minutes have been full.  Hopefully I will have time to do a "check-in" post tomorrow, but this post has been on my heart (and in my journal) for over a week now, so it comes first.

As of today, we have 71 days until our due date.  It was more the other week when I originally journaled this, but as of today, 71 days.  I realize it could be more, could be less, but still, 71 days.  Motherhood is impending.  Speedily.  

Read along with me.


It hit me (the other) night in the shower.  I was thinking how odd it is being a giant, pale hippopotamus is considered beautiful.  (Clarification - I do understand that the miracle of creating life, of pregnancy, is beautiful.  It's just the giant hippo part I think is a little weird.)  And it just hit me.

There is an actual small child inside of me, but he will be in our house before we know it.

And we'll be responsible for him.  And I'll be his mom.  How do you be a mom to a boy and acheive the same type of relationship I have with my mom?  Is that even possible?

A slight panic ensued - literally.  I stood frozen for a moment, on the verge of tears, unable to breathe.

This is REAL.  And VERY big.  (And I'm not just referring to my belly.)

I'm not ready.  Tears prick again as I write this.  I haven't read any books yet.  I haven't been seeking enough advice on what to do.  Most of all, it's nearly impossible to actually imagine him here.  Vague, blurry glimpses I can create, bu tthe real thing?

The overwhelming realization that this baby is real and will change my life entirely stops me in my tracks. 

Am I excited?  People may think I'm not, because I don't gush and offer up mushy detatils about loving pregnancy and nursery colors.  I'm more likely to, when asked, "how are you feeling?" respond with "fat" and a laugh.  Don't get me wrong - I may not love pregnancy, but I'm a pretty big fan of feeling my son kick and move and wiggle - it's my favorite.  But to be truthful, I'm not sure I could describe the word excited to describe what I'm feeling right now.  Excited is what I am for Christmas lights, seeing a new Harry Potter movie, eating Cadbury Mini Eggs, or drinking a Gingerbread Latte.  This is way beyond that.  I want to be a mom, and I know the moment I hold my son in my arms that I will be overwhelmed with love.

But excited isn't the right word.  This is deeper, more serious.  I cannot help but think about the weight of this change.  The responsibility.  The committment to raising him to be a Godly man. The tears I know I'll shed because I've watched my mom shed them for me. 

I guess I've been being an ostrich, still.  That I've not allowed myself to feel too much joy in anticipation or too much of the weight of how big of a deal being a mom actually is.  It would be so much easier to go back to just doing the "preparing to leave" stuff mentally and emotionally, but I know that (and I want to) need to embrace these deeper, more complex, more heart-stirring and heart-warming and terrifying realities, too. 

That there is great JOY in this experience.  And that there is great responsibility.

Perhaps, for the first time, I catch a tiny glimpse into Mary's heart.

Lord, God, Father, Spirit.  You are unfathomable in your complexity.  Your ways are higher than mine, and your plans infinitely better.  You have been weaving  this child in my womb, and You know every detail about him, just as You know me.  You have made me the way I am - do not let others make me feel guilty about not being gushy enough, or about being too "honest." 

Instead, Lord, walk with me into a joyful anticipation of this, knowing that You have placed a great responsibility on me, but also that You are with me and that Your plans are perfect. 

Teach me to focus on the Joyful pieces for these last many weeks - to claim for my own the depth of understanding of love and joy and incredulity at this life You are creating.  Let me become a woman who becomes a mother in love with her God first, transformed by Him in every way, so that I might have my eyes focused on You as I raise my son, that You will be whom I seek, and that I will heed you in all I do for and with my child.  Let me remember that You are Lord, and that no work of my own will cause this child to grow up into a good, strong man.  I, like I cannot change my husband, cannot force or will my son to be a certain way.  Instead, I must consistently and ferverently seek You in all I do, entrusting him to Your care, believing that You guide and lead me each step of the way.

Create JOY in me, oh God, and please, keep reminding me of Your truths and promises.

Amen.

Just last night we were talking paint colors and making final choices.  We had the nursery set we bought out and were trying to envision colors and layout and other decor, and again, it was just this powerful moment of realization.  I finally started reading a book someone gave me (I'm not placing too much stock in any book, but I wanted to do some reading), and as the author wrote about how we should talk with our babies, and call them by name, from the beginning, I told Husband that I am hesitant to call the Peanut by name now, because that's really real, too.  And part of me is still afraid, I think. 

Either way, I want to accept the responsibility, but focus on choosing the Joy.

Truth

Truth #1: I want to write a post that is light-hearted, fun, festive, and new, since this is my first post of 2012, but if I am to be truthful about life, and where I'm at, well then, fun, festive, and new will have to wait until tomorrow.

Truth #2: Even if my heart was ready to write my 30 Before 30 post today, I don't have my list complete yet.   Better get cracking as the clock is ticking!  Look for that coming soon.

Truth #3: Marriage is hard.  Now, I know that some of you actually know Husband in real life, and so I hesitate to write what's on my heart.  But I continue to remind myself that you love him, and you know that I love him also.  Whole-heartedly.  And that we are commited to each other for always.  So I'm going to be a truth-teller, because my heart is thinking a lot about this.  Marriage is hard.

Truth #4: I can't share with you right now what is going on with Husband, but it's pretty tough.  Maybe someday, when his journey is a little farther, he'll allow me to share so that our story can be one to hopefully help others.  For now, though, I can just tell you that it's rough.  He's hurting, I'm hurting, and it's rough.  And deep.   And there is definitely a spiritual component attached to it, for which I would covet your prayers.

Truth #5: As I sat last night trying to stop bawling like a baby, I opened first the Bible and second my journal, and was reminded.

I haven't been doing all this spiritual growth recently for no reason.  God's in charge, and He has the master plan.  He knew this was coming, and He prepared my heart.

First, God reminded me in Psalm 31 to

Be brave.  Be strong.  Don't give up.  Expect God to get here soon,

and in Psalm 32 that,

We're depending on God; he's everything we need.  What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name.  Love us, God, with all you've got - that's what we're depending on.

Then, as I went back through page after page after page of writing in my journal, He showed me that He has been working in me, preparing me, teaching me.

Most of all, that there is Hope.

That His promises are swift and sure in coming, and that He always makes good on them.

That, in all things, I can praise Him and give Him glory, because He Is Good, even when things are not.

That I can trust Him with Husband.  That Husband is not mine to fix.  That I must be a praying wife, a loving wife, an encouraging wife, a supporting wife.  That God has Husband in His hand, and that God alone can be what Husband needs.

Truth #6: Because my heart has been being prepared, worked on, because I've been learning these things, I do not feel desperate.  I do not feel downtrodden.  I do feel hurt, I won't lie.  I am scared.  It is hard.  But I feel hopeful.  I believe that God is working, and I believe that Husband is His.  Because God has been walking with me, teaching me, I have faith.

Truth #7: I believe Satan is ticked.  I've been praying in faith for some very specific things for Husband regularly for the last month or so, and those very things have been attacked.  I don't like to throw spiritual warfare around casually in conversation - too easily we can blame our sin on it, in my opinion, and begin to see demons everywhere - but in this case, I am confident.  Join me, friends, in praying for a hedge around Husband, that He will not believe the lies that are being whispered to his heart about the very core of who he is as a man. 

Truth #8: Months ago I posted this song, and thought I should listen to it this morning, because I praise God that He has been faithful to me in preparing my heart, and that He will continue to be faithful, right until the very end. 

I forgot that it talks about Glory.  And you know that Glory is something I've been thinking and learning quite a lot about recently.  Okay, God, connection again.

And, for potentially the first time in my life, I started to understand this idea of being the Bride of Christ, of marriage to Him, of truly loving Him and Him loving me.  In marriage with Christ, He doesn't hurt me or let me down or be humanly stupid.  He loves unconditionally, perfectly, passionately, jealously.  I've been praying that I would learn to love God, to understand that relationship at a deeper level, and because of my own marriage and what we're learning now, I'm starting to get it.

Faithful.  Absolutely to the end.

Thanks for walking with me as I tell some truth today.  It's where my heart is, and I desire to be a transparent, real person, to live with integrity.  Even if it's hard or reveals that I, like all of us, am far from perfect. 

Please, again know that I love my man, and I believe in him completely.  This is a journey, and one we need to take to be the people that God wants us to be.  

Looking Back: 2011

As a teacher, I live my life by school years more often than calendar years.  I'm always caught off-guard by student's jokes in December of "I'll see you next year," because I just can't get my brain to operate on the calendar year when I'm in the middle of school.  For me, the year runs from August to August, and I accept that.
Still, the coming of a new calendar year is something kind of special, isn't it?  New years, new days, new mornings.  New chances.  The closing of a calendar year gives us the opportunity to reflect on what was, and to dream of what comes next.

2011 proved me to be an unfaithful blogger and photographer, so I can't do one of those month-by-month, best posts or photos reviews, but I have picked out a few things to share as I reflect on 2011.

On Babies:

In April I shared my thoughts on Husband and I finally deciding that we were "ready" to have children - or to start trying.  Still, that "decision" brought very little chage in my life.

In August, Husband and I were in Lincoln, NE, for a wedding when we discovered that we were, in fact, pregnant.   After taking a couple of pregnancy tests over the course of a couple of days (which, yes, I have pictures of, but no, I will not post here), we sent/gave our parents these homemade mugs to share the news with them.

In October, we shared the news with the world.  The first non-family, non-close friends people to find out?  My Student Council.  They were so cute and excited for us!

I had my first and total meltdown about worrying if my baby was okay - I was sure the baby was dead and I just didn't know it.    I was a sniveling mess for a couple of days until I finally let my rational self and God take over.

In November, at our second ultrasound, we learned that not only was Baby C alive and healthy, but he was also a HE.  A boy.  A son.  Whoa!  I kind of knew it, I think.

In November, I gave in and finally bought maternity clothes (a tramautic experience at first, but I'm feeling more comfortable in my expanding body these days.... comfortable as in more accepting, not as in physically comfortable). 

Most excitingly, the end of November and December have brought amazing feeling movements and kicks that both Husband and I can feel, and the mushy mom-to-be side of me has finally started to come out.  I'm nervous, excited, and realizing, holy moly, I am going to be a mom.  Soon.

On God and Deeper Things:

At a few points throughout the year, I acknolwedged that I needed to dig deeper.  I pondered having Margin in life, God's faithfulness, and a need to spend more time with the One, but little came of it until November, when a friend finally kicked me in the butt and told me to just do it.
December brought nearly daily quiet times (some long, some short), where I've begun to learn more and more about faith, belief, and a new level of relationship.  The Advent season helped me to process that it's about that relationship. 

Photo Credit: My wonderful blog friend, Southern Gal.

I'm on a journey, but it's beautiful.  And hard.  Beautifully hard, but worth it, and I know I'm getting something I didn't get before. 

On Family, Friends, and Life in General:

January brought a visit from my friend Brooke for a weekend.  She's moving to Korea in a few weeks with her husband.  Brooke is the type of friend you know you can always count on.  I mentioned that I would be alone for the weekend and I was super upset about it, because Husband was going to be on the youth retreat, the first I had missed in years.  On a whim, she and her dog Charlie drove out to hang with Ginny and me. 

Husband and I just had the chance to spend another weekend with Brooke and her husband as they drove from Arizona to Michigan, phase one of their move to Korea.  I don't know when I'll get to see her again, but thank goodness for Skype, and for friends that you know are always going to be there and get you, no matter where they live.

Summer yielded two trips to Nebraska on my part and three for Husband (who loved it, since that's his hometown).  In June, we spent a long weekend at John's mom's and attended Husband's cousin's wedding.    There was an incident with a harmless snake in a park that resulted in my crying like an idiot, and Husband explaining to his sister that I am like Indiana Jones - able to conquer everything but snakes.  In July, Husband went back to Lincoln for his 10 year high school reunion, where he got to drive a Mustang and catch up with some old friends.  And in August, we went back again for Laura's (MIL's) birthday and went to another wedding.  (And found out about the Peanut.)  Sadly, I have no pictures of any of this - I was a terrible photographer.

In July, my grandpa turned 96 years old, we moved him from one retirement home to another, and we took him to Estes Park.  He's pretty much the coolest old man I know.  My sister and I had lunch with him yesterday at his place, and just laughed with him.  He's great.

My sister graduated from college in May and, in August, started her first year of teaching (1st Grade!).  She's doing an amazing job, from what I can tell.  She's also the Peanut's biggest fan, and has already bought him a couple of cute little outfits and is super excited to be an aunt.  Hanging out with her is always fun, even when I'm freezing to death at a football game.

I

 also have found that, more and more over the last year, I just absolutely love and respect my husband.  He's an amazing man, who continues to amaze me more every day.  He graduated from a 4 year schooling program with honors and took his Journeyman's license test and passed on the first try.  He tore out our rotting deck and put in the cutest little patio and yard in our teeny-tiny townhouse space.  He's been reading up on babies and is actively involved in this pregnancy, and is so excited to be a dad.  And he's grown, in lots of amazing ways, that I couldn't even begin to share here.  He's just wonderful, and I am blessed to be his wife.  I can't even begin to imagine what this next adventure we're about to go on together will be like, but I'm so excited to be on this road with him.

There are about a billion other things I could tell you about 2011, but as this post has already taken way longer than I thought, I'll be finished.  

Looking back, I am in awe.  I pondered.  I taught some great students.  I made some mistakes, but I tried to do right.  I spent time with people I love and who love me.  I learned to spend more time with my family, to create some margin, to leave work at school more often.  I'm growing in my faith, in my relationships, and, of course, in my belly.
I know that 2012 is going to be a year full of life I cannot even begin to imagine, and I am thrilled to begin looking forward.   I have some hopes for this blog, but more importantly, I have hopes for myself, for my husband, for my son. 

For my life.


Blessings, and I'll see you again next year.

And Some More on Glory

Last Wednesday morning I headed downstairs at about 5:30, got my cup of coffee (a delicious half-caf blend that I add organic sugar, a little cream (okay, more than a little), and a dash of cinnamon and ginger), turned the twinkle lights on the tree, and opened up to where I'd left off a few days ago in Matthew.

Later, when Husband came downstairs, I couldn't wait to tell him what I'd read. 

"Guess what the first sentence in the passage was about this morning?"

"Umm... Glory?"

Yup.  Glory.  That word I have never really considered much, but am hearing loud and clear now.  It was just one of those "wow" moments, you know?  The very day before, on a whim, I'd opened to a Psalm instead of the normal routine, and pondered glory.  So to head back to Matthew and get more on it? 

Alright, God. 

Peter, John, and James headed up a mountain with Jesus and got to experience Glory.  Jesus was suddenly transformed - His face, his clothing, filled with light, shining brightly (way better than any Twilight vampire's sparkling).   And He was talking with Moses and Elijah.

At this point, I bet Peter, John, and James are in awe and probably a little freaked out, but they're still with it enough to think, "hey, we should build a memorial to remember this!"    But then they get to see more Glory. 

God shows up.   They're enveloped in a cloud of light and they HEAR God's voice claiming Jesus as His Son, in whom He delights.  All rational thought goes out the window here, and they fall on their faces.  I mean, who wouldn't?  I probably would have had an "accident," if you know what I mean.

These guys didn't just talk about Glory.  They got to see Jesus.  To really see Him.   (Like in Avatar, SEE Him.)  And they got to experience God. 

This Glory thing is real, and it's a big deal.

Well, I decided to keep reading, thinking that whatever came next would be good, but probably not as jaw-dropping as reading more about Glory.
Jesus' disciples had tried to cast out a demon, and failed.  "Why couldn't we do it?" they asked.

"Because you're not really getting it yet,"  Jesus replied.  "You still don't really know God.  If you really knew Him, a tiny bit of faith would move mountains."  (my paraphrase, obviously.  It's how God spoke to my heart.)

Again, with the connections.  They, like me, needed to know, to see, God.  To be in a real relationship with Him. 
I'm praying for belief, for faith, at a level deeper and more meaningful than I've ever had before.  And God's making the message loud and clear. 

The key is this relationship.  The more I invest, the more I'll get it.  The more I'll know Him.  The more I'll believe and have faith and understand Glory and be able to serve and love and obey.  Like a marriage that has lasted a lifetime and grown stronger and deeper and reached new levels of love, I'll learn to know and love Him.

Relationship. 

Clearly. 

The true meaning of this whole season.  Of Christmas. 

This Is Not What I Started To Write

I am having one of those mornings. 

Slept in a little too late but still wanted to have a quiet time, needed to shower anyway, couldn't find my shoes anywhere, didn't want to wake Husband up since he's been working nights, tried to take a cute 23-weeks picture but couldn't get the camera to work well enough and wasted a ton of time doing that, was nearly late to my first class, had to rush around to get ready, class wasn't prepared for what they were supposed to be and were being obnoxious and off-task, have lots of meetings today and no free time, and my check engine light is still on and I realized I can't take the car in today even though I need to get the discount from the people goofing up yesterday when I took it in, called Husband to see if he could do it since he's not working today but it turns out he is, so no car in and little chance of him picking up the house mess.

Frazzled.  That's the word I started my quiet time off with as I began to pray, and it's how I've been feeling off an on all morning.

My plan, as foretold by the attempt to take a cute picture of myself, was to do a 23-Week update.  It's been a while, I think I look cute today, and I wanted to blog about baby stuff.  I had even already titled this post "23 Weeks" when I started typing a few minutes ago.

But I'm feeling this post going in a different direction - my heart is leading me to write other things, instead.

As I prayed that God would quiet my frazzled heart this morning, I asked that He would help me focus on the Big Picture, instead of the little bitty pieces I was worrying about.

Four words came to my mind as I prayed about the Big Picture.

Love.


Obey.


Serve.


Glory.

I opened to a Psalm instead of picking up where I left off in Matthew, and read a passage about all the angels and the earth singing

Glory! 

as God's thunder echoed through the world.  As God's awesomeness and power were reflected.

God will give strength to his people.  God will give peace to his people.

the passage concluded.

And I was struck that the word Glory, a word which I rarely think about and hardly ever use, showed up twice in a mere five minutes.

Glory (n): worshipful praise, honor and thanksgiving
Glory (v): to rejoice proudly
Glorify (v): to make glorious by bestowing honor, praise, or admiration
Glorious (adj): possessing or deserving glory

Instead of Jingle Bells (which is my go-to, autonomatic, whistle in my head song), I've been humming the Glorias of this song.



I'm not one hundred percent sure I know what Glory means, truthfully, despite the definitions above.  In my quiet times these last few weeks I have begun to realize that, at least right now, I don't quite get what it means to love God above all else, to be in relationship with Him, to desire nothing more than Him and His kingdom. 

Those are hard things to do with someone I can't physically talk to and see and hear.  And I'm learning that, while I believe, and I have faith, and this is real to me, I need to know Him more.  And as I get to know Him more, I know I'll start to get those things. 

Please hear me well.  I'm not saying I don't believe, or that my relationship with Him isn't personal and real.  I do believe.  It is personal, and very real.  There have been times I've felt the nearly tangible presence of God.  Times where I know I couldn't have made it through without Him.

But in these season of trying to put aside my own self-sufficiency, I am learning that there are a lot of things I need to learn. 

I've been pondering.   Being Still.  Listening.  Obedience.  Love.  Servanthood.  And now, Glory.

I'm not completely positive where this is leading, or what God has in store, but I do know this:

Each day I have a quiet time, I think some more about these things.  I pray some more.  I read some more. 

And I get to know Him some more.

Gloria, Oh Gloria.

I think I'll get there.

30 Thankful Days - Day 29

Linking up just two more times (providing I remember to do so tomorrow!) to celebrate thankfullness during the month of November.  Head over to Dawn's Good Life to join in!

Thankful Thing #28:
Making Time for Quiet Time

Last week I had the chance to spend time with one of my dearest friends, Liz, and share about our lives over a cup of coffee.  She and I have known each other for quite a while, and even lived together for a year before Husband and I got married.  We pretty much are able to share everything with each other, particularly all things spiritual.  Over coffee, I shared that I haven't been very spiritually disciplined recently, while Liz shared that she, on the other hand, had been getting up early (a huge deal for her!) and having a quiet time each morning.  As she told me slightly bluntly, if I wanted to be having quiet times, then I needed to do it.  As we've said before, "don't talk about it, be about it."

So last week I started having more regular quiet times.  I wasn't sure what would happen this week, with school back in session.  It's not easy to get up earlier than I do already.  But for the last two days, I've gotten up early and come downstairs for a quiet time.  They haven't been super long, but they've been good.  God's shown up, like He always does, and I'm learning to be still, something I realize I have never done.

Thankful Thing #2:
Making Time for Quiet Time While Sitting Here

Honestly, isn't a nice morning quiet time better when you're sitting in a semi-darkened room that glows with the twinkling lights of the Christmast tree?  It's quiet in the early morning, and restful.  And the twinkling lights create a soft and warm and welcoming environment.  A chance to bask, and be still, and listen, before the chaos of the day starts. 

I love my whole house when it's decorated for Christmas (and I'm sure I'll show pictures soon!), but the tree is my absolute favorite part.  It makes me happy.  And sitting here in the quiet morning, with the lights a-sparkling, is becoming my favorite favorite part of the day.