Uncertainty and Expectation

Joining in with Gypsy Mama today to take five minutes to write.  The topic?  Expectation.

Ready?

Go.

Expectation.  My first thought?  Is that a real word?  It sounds funny to me, but I think it must be real. 

Husband and I are in a season that is sort of terrifying, sort of amazing, and definitely full of expectation.  He's on his way to a job interview as I write, just pulled out of his parking spot.  He's registered for his first three classes to go to college, to be an electrical engineer, to do something he finds interesting and purposeful with his life. 

Life is full of uncertainty at the moment.  Will he get a job that he likes for the interim?  Will he be able to find a job soon?  Will we be able to continue to afford living in our townhome, or will we have to sell and move to an apartment or in with my family?  Will we be able to manage both of us with full time jobs, him in school, and a new baby, our first?  Will the challenges we'll be facing stretch us too much, or in just the ways we need to be stretched?  Will our marriage be tested in ways we are not prepared for?  So much uncertainty, so many things that could terrify me.

Expectation though, well, expectation is the positive twist to uncertainty.  Even with all these things, there is much to expect.  Much joy, much growth, much life.

Expectation, then, instead of uncertainty.  I'll take it.

What He's Listening To

On Monday I shared with you the truth that not only is He listening, but He answers.  I couldn't share with you what prompted that post at the time, but I can now.

A week ago Thursday, Husband came home with a story of a not-so-good situation at work.  It shouldn't have been a big deal, but it got blown out of proportion, and more or less, his co-workers threw him under the proverbial bus.  Friday he worked at a different site while his boss was going to supposedly "work it out."  I say supposedly because, in my opinion, his boss had no intention of doing any such thing.  Monday morning he told Husband that they needed to talk, but he was too busy until Tuesday, so he'd have to wait.  In the meantime, Husband had the day off.  Bravely, Husband told Boss, "I was stressed about this all weekend, so I just need to ask.  Do I need to be looking for another job?"  Boss' reply?  "Possibly."

Hence, we prayed, and God listened and answered.

On Tuesday, Husband and Boss met for lunch.  Boss didn't even mention the incident from Thursday that was the trigger of all of this, instead citing that "the guys had been complaining" about Husband.  He could only reference one particular story, where both Husband and the co-worker were part of a misunderstanding.  Co-worker, though, apparently made it sound like Husband was totally to blame and that Husband isn't doing a good job.  Whatever, Co-worker.  I'm on to you. 

Finally, Husband asked Boss point blank if he was being let go.  "Yes."  They sorted out the details.  Husband asked a few questions.  Boss promised to be a good reference for him.  Whatever, Boss.  I'm on to you.

Husband's first words to me where that he felt like "this was a long time coming."  His opinion was that Boss had been saving up little things people had been saying about Husband, and rather than communicating them all along so Husband could work on things, just stored them up until now.  (Not that we know what those things are, since Boss had only the one example.) 

It would be easy to be frustrated, because Husband has been there for four years, longer than any of these other guys.  Husband has witnessed plenty of mistakes and issues from his co-workers, but he's not the type to go complaining to the boss.  He's shown plenty of loyalty to this company, but is receiving none back.

Yet mostly, I feel peace about it.  Yes, that's right. I feel good about my husband losing his job.  (For now.  Remind me of that in a month if he is still jobless.)

You see, there was no life for Husband at this company.  It wasn't an uplifting, life-giving environment for him.  I realize that no job can be that all the time, but this job was NEVER that.  And he was weary of it, most of the time.

Now he's excited about some prospects.  He's looking for a job, obviously, but not necessarily a job he wants to keep for ever.  One prospect he's looking into is school.  Electrical Engineering.  You have to understand how huge it is that he would be excited about school, particularly something as hard as engineering.  School has always been very hard for him, and he doesn't love it. But he met with the dean at a local university that caters to non-traditional students, and he's excited.  I don't know if it's financially viable right now (we were in a tight situation before the job loss), but I'm excited that he's excited, and we're going to look into it.  God knows what will work out.

I should be scared and stressed.  Finances are tough.  I was going to post the other week about how we'd just gone through things and it was tight.  As in, don't know how we're going to pay for daycare in the fall tight.  As in, what can we get rid of to nickle and dime our way into having enough to live on tight.  As in, should we sell our townhouse and move into something cheaper, or with my parents, tight.  So this should stress me out.

But instead, I am hopeful.  Husband is excited.  And I keep being listened to, and answered.  Here are a few of the things He keeps saying.  (All from Jesus Calling.)

I AM YOUR LORD!  Seek Me as Friend and Lover of your soul, but remember that I am also King of kings - sovereign over all.  You can make some plans as you gaze into the day that stretches out before you.  But you need to hold those plans tentatively, anticipating that I may have other ideas....  Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for the things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you and the One who never leaves your side....  Trust me to show you what to do when you have finished what you are doing now.  I will guide you step by step, as you bend your will to Mine. 

(Proverbs 19:21, LUke 1:79)

AS YOU SIT QUIETLY in My Presence, remember that I am a God of abundance.  I will never run out of resources; My capacity to bless you is unlimited

(Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 5:7)

COME TO ME with your plans held in abeyance.  Worship Me in spirit and in truth, allowing My Glory to permeate your entire being.  Trust Me enough to let Me guide you through this day, accomplishing My purposes in My timing.  Subordinate your myriad plans to My Master Plan.  I am sovereign over every aspect of your life!

The challenge continually before you is to trust Me and search for My way through each day.  Do not blindly follow your habitual route, or you will miss what I have prepared for you.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts higher than your thoughts. 

(John 4:24, Isaiah 55:8-9)

His promises are secure. I'm learning, though, that to really fully grasp ahold of them, we need to earnestly seek and spend time with Him.  As our pastor said last week, "once a week for an hour is not enough time to cultivate an intimate relationship with Him."  It must be more.

We are confident that He is with us, and with that knowledge, we can do this.  It will be a stretching season, a growing one, but I am sure, a blessed one, as He walks the path before us and with us. 

While we are not sure where we are going, we know it will be Good.  Pray with us for wisdom and discernment as we take each step, won't you?

He Answers

If ever I doubted that He hears us, consider my doubts removed.  He hears, and He answers.

At this moment, I cannot share with you the particular situation that Husband and I are facing, but I can tell you our initial reactions. 

Fear.  Feelings of failure and frustration.  Uncertainty. 

"Let's see what Jesus has to say," I said.  We turned to the devotional Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.  "Lord, let Your words be just the words we need to hear today," I prayed silently.  For Husband to hear, he needed to hear the perfect words.  And I began to read aloud, without scanning ahead.

May 14.

I AM A MIGHTY GOD.  Nothing is too difficult for Me.  I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes.  Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.  When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic.  Remember that  I am with you.  Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation.

I am not a careless God.  When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them.  Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.

(Luke 1:37, 2 Corinthians 12:9)

About halfway through I began to cry.  "Okay, God, You're listening to us.  I see that."  We read it aloud twice, and then each silently on our own, praying through it.  Husband went back a few days in the book, to see what Jesus had to say the day this story began.  I didn't read it with him, but apparently the words were again in answer.  "Apparently we should be listening to Him more often," we commented. 

We talked about what we were feeling, and then prayed together, knowing clearly that God was listening.  We asked for wisdom, for clarity, for discernment.  For peace, for our identities to be wrapped up in the Lord alone, for provision.  We know He was listening, as He continues to listen. 

And He answers.





Friends, I look forward to the opportunity I will have to share the rest of the story with you in the future, as we know we are not walking alone.  Our path is lit (although we cannot see just yet), and it has already been traveled upon (although we do not know where it will go).  Until then, pray with me, won't you?

Truth

Truth #1: I want to write a post that is light-hearted, fun, festive, and new, since this is my first post of 2012, but if I am to be truthful about life, and where I'm at, well then, fun, festive, and new will have to wait until tomorrow.

Truth #2: Even if my heart was ready to write my 30 Before 30 post today, I don't have my list complete yet.   Better get cracking as the clock is ticking!  Look for that coming soon.

Truth #3: Marriage is hard.  Now, I know that some of you actually know Husband in real life, and so I hesitate to write what's on my heart.  But I continue to remind myself that you love him, and you know that I love him also.  Whole-heartedly.  And that we are commited to each other for always.  So I'm going to be a truth-teller, because my heart is thinking a lot about this.  Marriage is hard.

Truth #4: I can't share with you right now what is going on with Husband, but it's pretty tough.  Maybe someday, when his journey is a little farther, he'll allow me to share so that our story can be one to hopefully help others.  For now, though, I can just tell you that it's rough.  He's hurting, I'm hurting, and it's rough.  And deep.   And there is definitely a spiritual component attached to it, for which I would covet your prayers.

Truth #5: As I sat last night trying to stop bawling like a baby, I opened first the Bible and second my journal, and was reminded.

I haven't been doing all this spiritual growth recently for no reason.  God's in charge, and He has the master plan.  He knew this was coming, and He prepared my heart.

First, God reminded me in Psalm 31 to

Be brave.  Be strong.  Don't give up.  Expect God to get here soon,

and in Psalm 32 that,

We're depending on God; he's everything we need.  What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name.  Love us, God, with all you've got - that's what we're depending on.

Then, as I went back through page after page after page of writing in my journal, He showed me that He has been working in me, preparing me, teaching me.

Most of all, that there is Hope.

That His promises are swift and sure in coming, and that He always makes good on them.

That, in all things, I can praise Him and give Him glory, because He Is Good, even when things are not.

That I can trust Him with Husband.  That Husband is not mine to fix.  That I must be a praying wife, a loving wife, an encouraging wife, a supporting wife.  That God has Husband in His hand, and that God alone can be what Husband needs.

Truth #6: Because my heart has been being prepared, worked on, because I've been learning these things, I do not feel desperate.  I do not feel downtrodden.  I do feel hurt, I won't lie.  I am scared.  It is hard.  But I feel hopeful.  I believe that God is working, and I believe that Husband is His.  Because God has been walking with me, teaching me, I have faith.

Truth #7: I believe Satan is ticked.  I've been praying in faith for some very specific things for Husband regularly for the last month or so, and those very things have been attacked.  I don't like to throw spiritual warfare around casually in conversation - too easily we can blame our sin on it, in my opinion, and begin to see demons everywhere - but in this case, I am confident.  Join me, friends, in praying for a hedge around Husband, that He will not believe the lies that are being whispered to his heart about the very core of who he is as a man. 

Truth #8: Months ago I posted this song, and thought I should listen to it this morning, because I praise God that He has been faithful to me in preparing my heart, and that He will continue to be faithful, right until the very end. 

I forgot that it talks about Glory.  And you know that Glory is something I've been thinking and learning quite a lot about recently.  Okay, God, connection again.

And, for potentially the first time in my life, I started to understand this idea of being the Bride of Christ, of marriage to Him, of truly loving Him and Him loving me.  In marriage with Christ, He doesn't hurt me or let me down or be humanly stupid.  He loves unconditionally, perfectly, passionately, jealously.  I've been praying that I would learn to love God, to understand that relationship at a deeper level, and because of my own marriage and what we're learning now, I'm starting to get it.

Faithful.  Absolutely to the end.

Thanks for walking with me as I tell some truth today.  It's where my heart is, and I desire to be a transparent, real person, to live with integrity.  Even if it's hard or reveals that I, like all of us, am far from perfect. 

Please, again know that I love my man, and I believe in him completely.  This is a journey, and one we need to take to be the people that God wants us to be.  

Looking Back: 2011

As a teacher, I live my life by school years more often than calendar years.  I'm always caught off-guard by student's jokes in December of "I'll see you next year," because I just can't get my brain to operate on the calendar year when I'm in the middle of school.  For me, the year runs from August to August, and I accept that.
Still, the coming of a new calendar year is something kind of special, isn't it?  New years, new days, new mornings.  New chances.  The closing of a calendar year gives us the opportunity to reflect on what was, and to dream of what comes next.

2011 proved me to be an unfaithful blogger and photographer, so I can't do one of those month-by-month, best posts or photos reviews, but I have picked out a few things to share as I reflect on 2011.

On Babies:

In April I shared my thoughts on Husband and I finally deciding that we were "ready" to have children - or to start trying.  Still, that "decision" brought very little chage in my life.

In August, Husband and I were in Lincoln, NE, for a wedding when we discovered that we were, in fact, pregnant.   After taking a couple of pregnancy tests over the course of a couple of days (which, yes, I have pictures of, but no, I will not post here), we sent/gave our parents these homemade mugs to share the news with them.

In October, we shared the news with the world.  The first non-family, non-close friends people to find out?  My Student Council.  They were so cute and excited for us!

I had my first and total meltdown about worrying if my baby was okay - I was sure the baby was dead and I just didn't know it.    I was a sniveling mess for a couple of days until I finally let my rational self and God take over.

In November, at our second ultrasound, we learned that not only was Baby C alive and healthy, but he was also a HE.  A boy.  A son.  Whoa!  I kind of knew it, I think.

In November, I gave in and finally bought maternity clothes (a tramautic experience at first, but I'm feeling more comfortable in my expanding body these days.... comfortable as in more accepting, not as in physically comfortable). 

Most excitingly, the end of November and December have brought amazing feeling movements and kicks that both Husband and I can feel, and the mushy mom-to-be side of me has finally started to come out.  I'm nervous, excited, and realizing, holy moly, I am going to be a mom.  Soon.

On God and Deeper Things:

At a few points throughout the year, I acknolwedged that I needed to dig deeper.  I pondered having Margin in life, God's faithfulness, and a need to spend more time with the One, but little came of it until November, when a friend finally kicked me in the butt and told me to just do it.
December brought nearly daily quiet times (some long, some short), where I've begun to learn more and more about faith, belief, and a new level of relationship.  The Advent season helped me to process that it's about that relationship. 

Photo Credit: My wonderful blog friend, Southern Gal.

I'm on a journey, but it's beautiful.  And hard.  Beautifully hard, but worth it, and I know I'm getting something I didn't get before. 

On Family, Friends, and Life in General:

January brought a visit from my friend Brooke for a weekend.  She's moving to Korea in a few weeks with her husband.  Brooke is the type of friend you know you can always count on.  I mentioned that I would be alone for the weekend and I was super upset about it, because Husband was going to be on the youth retreat, the first I had missed in years.  On a whim, she and her dog Charlie drove out to hang with Ginny and me. 

Husband and I just had the chance to spend another weekend with Brooke and her husband as they drove from Arizona to Michigan, phase one of their move to Korea.  I don't know when I'll get to see her again, but thank goodness for Skype, and for friends that you know are always going to be there and get you, no matter where they live.

Summer yielded two trips to Nebraska on my part and three for Husband (who loved it, since that's his hometown).  In June, we spent a long weekend at John's mom's and attended Husband's cousin's wedding.    There was an incident with a harmless snake in a park that resulted in my crying like an idiot, and Husband explaining to his sister that I am like Indiana Jones - able to conquer everything but snakes.  In July, Husband went back to Lincoln for his 10 year high school reunion, where he got to drive a Mustang and catch up with some old friends.  And in August, we went back again for Laura's (MIL's) birthday and went to another wedding.  (And found out about the Peanut.)  Sadly, I have no pictures of any of this - I was a terrible photographer.

In July, my grandpa turned 96 years old, we moved him from one retirement home to another, and we took him to Estes Park.  He's pretty much the coolest old man I know.  My sister and I had lunch with him yesterday at his place, and just laughed with him.  He's great.

My sister graduated from college in May and, in August, started her first year of teaching (1st Grade!).  She's doing an amazing job, from what I can tell.  She's also the Peanut's biggest fan, and has already bought him a couple of cute little outfits and is super excited to be an aunt.  Hanging out with her is always fun, even when I'm freezing to death at a football game.

I

 also have found that, more and more over the last year, I just absolutely love and respect my husband.  He's an amazing man, who continues to amaze me more every day.  He graduated from a 4 year schooling program with honors and took his Journeyman's license test and passed on the first try.  He tore out our rotting deck and put in the cutest little patio and yard in our teeny-tiny townhouse space.  He's been reading up on babies and is actively involved in this pregnancy, and is so excited to be a dad.  And he's grown, in lots of amazing ways, that I couldn't even begin to share here.  He's just wonderful, and I am blessed to be his wife.  I can't even begin to imagine what this next adventure we're about to go on together will be like, but I'm so excited to be on this road with him.

There are about a billion other things I could tell you about 2011, but as this post has already taken way longer than I thought, I'll be finished.  

Looking back, I am in awe.  I pondered.  I taught some great students.  I made some mistakes, but I tried to do right.  I spent time with people I love and who love me.  I learned to spend more time with my family, to create some margin, to leave work at school more often.  I'm growing in my faith, in my relationships, and, of course, in my belly.
I know that 2012 is going to be a year full of life I cannot even begin to imagine, and I am thrilled to begin looking forward.   I have some hopes for this blog, but more importantly, I have hopes for myself, for my husband, for my son. 

For my life.


Blessings, and I'll see you again next year.

Faithful to the End

I've been listening to this song on repeat every time I get in the car and alternating between singing my heart out and just being enveloped in every chord, every note, every word. 

In searching for a video with the song to show you, I came across this one of a young woman dancing to the song and was enthralled with another layer of depth.

Watch her passion.  Or close your eyes and just listen.  Or turn it up and dance yourself. 



Glory to the Righteous One.  HE is faithful to the end, He is faithul to my heart.



Song: Faithful to the End by Cory Asbury

He Is Faithful

Today looks a little like this.

 (This is from the Plaza de España en Olviedo, Spain.... I haven't been to this particular plaza, but it reminds me of the church and plaza in the town I lived in.)

Oh no, you think.  The title, "He is Faithful"?  Pictures of a rainy day? What's wrong?

Absolutely nothing.  I LOVE rainy days. 

They speak to me, to the very core of my being.

And as I was on my way to work this morning, as I listened to a CD that a friend gave me, one of those songs came on.  You know, one of those songs, where the very chords and instrumentation seep into your heart and speak, where words are rendered nearly unnecessary.  But when you do hear them, it's complete.  You've been touched.

Yeah, one of those songs.

He is faithful, faithful to the end. 

They sang. 

I heard.

And like the drops of rain that fall, creating ripples that touch other ripples, I need to remind everyone. 

He is faithful, right unto the very End.