A brutally-honest post here. Please don't mind me.
Seventeen-nearly-eighteen weeks pregnant. I should be posting cute little "pregnancy posts" every now and then, shouldn't I? Letting you know how I'm doing and feeling and letting you see my baby belly. That's what "normal" first-time blogging moms-to-be do, right? Sharing my experiences with you, portraying with word and picture the joyful development of my pregnancy. Shouldn't I?
Yet, emotionally, I don't feel capable of any such posts, at least not right now. I'm not feeling particularly cute, excited, happy. Instead, I feel worried, anxious, scared. Is that normal? It certainly isn't for me. I'm not a worrier, not even a little bit, usually. That's my sister, my Husband. They worry sometimes to the extent that they make themselves sick. But not me. I most often can see past the worry and head straight into the trusting or the making a plan so things work out. But not about this, even though my rational brain says nothing has changed. I'm worried, anxious, scared. All the time. The only escape is to be busy, to teach, to be surrounded by my students and not have a moment to stop or breathe or think.... and even then, sometimes, in the midst of the doing, I still feel afraid.
I'm about to put my greatest fear into words for you. You might think I'm crazy. You might understand. You might be upset I would write it. But I'm going to be honest.
I'm practically convinced that my child is dead in my uterus. Right now.
Why? I don't know. I don't really have a valid reason to think that. I just do.
Perhaps it's because I've known a few women in the last couple of years who've carried their babies almost to full term, only to have their sweet babies meet Jesus before birth. Perhaps it's because my hormones are totally out of whack and I'm an insane person. Perhaps it's because I don't feel great, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel like.
I don't know why, exactly. I can't describe it very well. I'm just terrified.
Is that normal? If it is, why didn't someone warn me that I was going to be an emotional disaster area, a doomsday-sayer, a total and complete wreck? If it isn't, well, then.... I guess I'm nuts. (To be fair, I know I'm not totally alone in my craziness; a friend last night told me that his wife went through the same phase. But she is a nurse who worked on the peds floor at the hospital and go in and listen to her baby's heartbeat every lunch. No fair.)
I don't know what pregnancy is supposed to feel like. And yes, I know that it's different for each person, but I don't know what it's supposed to be like for me.
I've been super blessed in my life - I've never had menstrual cramps, and I've never had indigestion. Lucky me! (I once made the mistake of asking a friend in college mid-cycle what cramps felt like.... I thought she might kill me.) I'm not complaining - I know I've been fortunate.
But now, I can't tell what I'm supposed to feel and what I'm not. I have really bad indigestion almost all the time these days - not heartburn, but an odd combination of gas and constipation, of an achy-crampy tummy box feeling. (I don't mean cramps like menstrual cramps, but I don't know what other word to use.) I just don't feel great.
I feel twinges of discomfort in my abodmen sometimes. Is that normal? I don't know if it, as my doctor told me at the beginning, is just my uterus expanding and pushing my insides all around, or if it's a symptom of a bigger problem. I am exhausted and out of breath when I walk up the stairs. Normal? Or a sign of a problem?
And I don't feel any movement, I don't think. I rationally know that it's okay - that first time moms feel their babies at different times, but I want to feel this child moving, so then I would know he/she is okay. I need to feel him/her. I'm going crazy.
Our next doctor's appointment isn't until the 9th. We're scheduled to have our next ultrasound and find out who will be joining our family - Baby Boy C or Baby Girl C. What I wouldn't give for it to be next week, so I could just find out. Rationally, so I could be calmed the heck down, because I "know" that everything is okay. Our previous two appointments yielded nothing but positives. A healthy heartbeat, lots of movement. Irrationally, so I could just find out and deal with whatever happens.
I don't want to call the doctor and ask to come in early, because I'm probably just being neurotic and freaking myself out unnecessarily. But I don't know if I'm feeling normal things, so then I think maybe I should call. But then I think I should just wait.
As I said, I'm worried, anxious, scared. Pretty much a disaster area. I want to be cute and excited and happy, but this week, that's just not happening. So that's me, for real.
And now back to work, to filling my mind with my job, my students. Distraction, come my way, thank you very much.
Coffee Company, one thing that always makes me happy.
5 Minute Fridays, where we're talking about what's relevant. And this is all I am, this week.