It's been a little over a week since I last blogged - not because I haven't had posts ready mentally, but because the speed of life has been picking up and most minutes have been full. Hopefully I will have time to do a "check-in" post tomorrow, but this post has been on my heart (and in my journal) for over a week now, so it comes first.
As of today, we have 71 days until our due date. It was more the other week when I originally journaled this, but as of today, 71 days. I realize it could be more, could be less, but still, 71 days. Motherhood is impending. Speedily.
Read along with me.
It hit me (the other) night in the shower. I was thinking how odd it is being a giant, pale hippopotamus is considered beautiful. (Clarification - I do understand that the miracle of creating life, of pregnancy, is beautiful. It's just the giant hippo part I think is a little weird.) And it just hit me.
There is an actual small child inside of me, but he will be in our house before we know it.
And we'll be responsible for him. And I'll be his mom. How do you be a mom to a boy and acheive the same type of relationship I have with my mom? Is that even possible?
A slight panic ensued - literally. I stood frozen for a moment, on the verge of tears, unable to breathe.
This is REAL. And VERY big. (And I'm not just referring to my belly.)
I'm not ready. Tears prick again as I write this. I haven't read any books yet. I haven't been seeking enough advice on what to do. Most of all, it's nearly impossible to actually imagine him here. Vague, blurry glimpses I can create, bu tthe real thing?
The overwhelming realization that this baby is real and will change my life entirely stops me in my tracks.
Am I excited? People may think I'm not, because I don't gush and offer up mushy detatils about loving pregnancy and nursery colors. I'm more likely to, when asked, "how are you feeling?" respond with "fat" and a laugh. Don't get me wrong - I may not love pregnancy, but I'm a pretty big fan of feeling my son kick and move and wiggle - it's my favorite. But to be truthful, I'm not sure I could describe the word excited to describe what I'm feeling right now. Excited is what I am for Christmas lights, seeing a new Harry Potter movie, eating Cadbury Mini Eggs, or drinking a Gingerbread Latte. This is way beyond that. I want to be a mom, and I know the moment I hold my son in my arms that I will be overwhelmed with love.
But excited isn't the right word. This is deeper, more serious. I cannot help but think about the weight of this change. The responsibility. The committment to raising him to be a Godly man. The tears I know I'll shed because I've watched my mom shed them for me.
I guess I've been being an ostrich, still. That I've not allowed myself to feel too much joy in anticipation or too much of the weight of how big of a deal being a mom actually is. It would be so much easier to go back to just doing the "preparing to leave" stuff mentally and emotionally, but I know that (and I want to) need to embrace these deeper, more complex, more heart-stirring and heart-warming and terrifying realities, too.
That there is great JOY in this experience. And that there is great responsibility.
Perhaps, for the first time, I catch a tiny glimpse into Mary's heart.
Lord, God, Father, Spirit. You are unfathomable in your complexity. Your ways are higher than mine, and your plans infinitely better. You have been weaving this child in my womb, and You know every detail about him, just as You know me. You have made me the way I am - do not let others make me feel guilty about not being gushy enough, or about being too "honest."
Instead, Lord, walk with me into a joyful anticipation of this, knowing that You have placed a great responsibility on me, but also that You are with me and that Your plans are perfect.
Teach me to focus on the Joyful pieces for these last many weeks - to claim for my own the depth of understanding of love and joy and incredulity at this life You are creating. Let me become a woman who becomes a mother in love with her God first, transformed by Him in every way, so that I might have my eyes focused on You as I raise my son, that You will be whom I seek, and that I will heed you in all I do for and with my child. Let me remember that You are Lord, and that no work of my own will cause this child to grow up into a good, strong man. I, like I cannot change my husband, cannot force or will my son to be a certain way. Instead, I must consistently and ferverently seek You in all I do, entrusting him to Your care, believing that You guide and lead me each step of the way.
Create JOY in me, oh God, and please, keep reminding me of Your truths and promises.
Just last night we were talking paint colors and making final choices. We had the nursery set we bought out and were trying to envision colors and layout and other decor, and again, it was just this powerful moment of realization. I finally started reading a book someone gave me (I'm not placing too much stock in any book, but I wanted to do some reading), and as the author wrote about how we should talk with our babies, and call them by name, from the beginning, I told Husband that I am hesitant to call the Peanut by name now, because that's really real, too. And part of me is still afraid, I think.
Either way, I want to accept the responsibility, but focus on choosing the Joy.