Truth #2: Even if my heart was ready to write my 30 Before 30 post today, I don't have my list complete yet. Better get cracking as the clock is ticking! Look for that coming soon.
Truth #3: Marriage is hard. Now, I know that some of you actually know Husband in real life, and so I hesitate to write what's on my heart. But I continue to remind myself that you love him, and you know that I love him also. Whole-heartedly. And that we are commited to each other for always. So I'm going to be a truth-teller, because my heart is thinking a lot about this. Marriage is hard.
Truth #4: I can't share with you right now what is going on with Husband, but it's pretty tough. Maybe someday, when his journey is a little farther, he'll allow me to share so that our story can be one to hopefully help others. For now, though, I can just tell you that it's rough. He's hurting, I'm hurting, and it's rough. And deep. And there is definitely a spiritual component attached to it, for which I would covet your prayers.
Truth #5: As I sat last night trying to stop bawling like a baby, I opened first the Bible and second my journal, and was reminded.
I haven't been doing all this spiritual growth recently for no reason. God's in charge, and He has the master plan. He knew this was coming, and He prepared my heart.
First, God reminded me in Psalm 31 to
Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon,
and in Psalm 32 that,
We're depending on God; he's everything we need. What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got - that's what we're depending on.
Then, as I went back through page after page after page of writing in my journal, He showed me that He has been working in me, preparing me, teaching me.
Most of all, that there is Hope.
That His promises are swift and sure in coming, and that He always makes good on them.
That, in all things, I can praise Him and give Him glory, because He Is Good, even when things are not.
That I can trust Him with Husband. That Husband is not mine to fix. That I must be a praying wife, a loving wife, an encouraging wife, a supporting wife. That God has Husband in His hand, and that God alone can be what Husband needs.
Truth #6: Because my heart has been being prepared, worked on, because I've been learning these things, I do not feel desperate. I do not feel downtrodden. I do feel hurt, I won't lie. I am scared. It is hard. But I feel hopeful. I believe that God is working, and I believe that Husband is His. Because God has been walking with me, teaching me, I have faith.
Truth #7: I believe Satan is ticked. I've been praying in faith for some very specific things for Husband regularly for the last month or so, and those very things have been attacked. I don't like to throw spiritual warfare around casually in conversation - too easily we can blame our sin on it, in my opinion, and begin to see demons everywhere - but in this case, I am confident. Join me, friends, in praying for a hedge around Husband, that He will not believe the lies that are being whispered to his heart about the very core of who he is as a man.
Truth #8: Months ago I posted this song, and thought I should listen to it this morning, because I praise God that He has been faithful to me in preparing my heart, and that He will continue to be faithful, right until the very end.
I forgot that it talks about Glory. And you know that Glory is something I've been thinking and learning quite a lot about recently. Okay, God, connection again.
And, for potentially the first time in my life, I started to understand this idea of being the Bride of Christ, of marriage to Him, of truly loving Him and Him loving me. In marriage with Christ, He doesn't hurt me or let me down or be humanly stupid. He loves unconditionally, perfectly, passionately, jealously. I've been praying that I would learn to love God, to understand that relationship at a deeper level, and because of my own marriage and what we're learning now, I'm starting to get it.
Faithful. Absolutely to the end.
Thanks for walking with me as I tell some truth today. It's where my heart is, and I desire to be a transparent, real person, to live with integrity. Even if it's hard or reveals that I, like all of us, am far from perfect.
Please, again know that I love my man, and I believe in him completely. This is a journey, and one we need to take to be the people that God wants us to be.