What I'd Really Tell You Over Coffee

Sipping on a now cooling cup of coffee, listening to a mix on Pandora, and being thankful it's Friday.  Some weeks, although not bad ones, just seem to last longer.  This has been one of them...

I wrote last Friday a quick post about Student Council elections and telling students they did or did not make it... it was definitely not fun to see the absolute dejection on some of their faces.  And we're not done - this week was regular class officer elections, so I'll get to, as I told Husband this morning, crush some more students' hopes today.  Fun!  But the good news is, it's high school, and it's character building, right?  (Tell that to them, see if it makes a difference....)  Truthfully though, it will be exciting to get to see who I'll have in class next year, thus beginning the awkward limbo of finishing this year well and looking forward to the future.

Before I go into anything serious, I should tell you I have an addiction, and a pretty big one, at that. It almost rivals my love for Gingerbread Lattes..... I eagerly anticipate the arrival of these bags of goodness each year, and everyone knows it - I got facebook posts and text messages from college friends about how the purple bags were back in the holiday aisle.

Mmmm..  Delicious.  Cadbury Mini Eggs, my favorite Easter candy.

I've eaten a few so far.... umm, yes, I mean a few bags.  To be fair, Husband has helped me quite a bit - but I believe we've gone through 5 bags....... (and I have two more hidden away for later).  Oh Cadbury Mini Eggs, how I love thee.

And on to the more serious things.

Are you ready for this?  It's kind of big.  I'm a little bit surprised at myself for even thinking about blogging it, but then I figured, so few people read this anyway, what's the difference?  Husband and I have decided that we are no longer going to skirt around the issue of kids.  For several months we've been in the "we're not trying but we're not not trying" phase of life, and it's been nice.  No pressure, no worries.  But over Spring Break and some more in-depth conversations, we decided it's time to be committed. 

We're going to start trying to have kids.

Shoot, I'm stressed just typing those eight words.

It's a little intimidating, to be sure, for a lot of reasons.  I mean, we're only just really trying to step into our grown-up selves.  Kids?  Are we nuts?  I love sleeping.  Am I ready to not do that?  (I know, right, how silly is that?  I'm worried about sleep?) I have to work a full -time job (not just have to - want to - I LOVE my job).  How will I do that and still be there a lot?  (And sleep, when will I sleep?)  And I teach high school - I see what these kids go through!  Will we be able to prepare them to live in this world and to do it while loving God?  (I'll be awake at night wondering if they are making good choices....)  I could write for hours all the big things this decision implies, but that would be borrowing a lot of trouble, and I'm not even pregnant.

But, a friend of mine, who isn't even a Christian, told it to me straight a while back.  "If good people," she said (insert "people who really love God"), "don't have children, then there isn't any hope for the future."  And I know that God is with us, and if He wants us to be parents, He'll allow it, and He'll walk through parenthood with us.  So deep breaths, Beth.

While I'm being honest, I am going to tell you another truth.  (You may not want to read this part - I'm going to be a little blunt and write something my mother definitely would not think I should blog about.) 

Seriously, you might want to skip it, I'm just saying.  It's not bad, it's just very real and very non-talked about it public circles.

Did you know that in order to have children naturally, you have to have sex?  It's true, in case you didn't know.  And that becomes an issue for me, if I'm being real.  I have some residual emotional issues left over from a time of life that wasn't so good, and I have an incredibly low libido, and while I like being close to my husband and making him happy, I don't love sex.  And I don't desire it.  And I could go forever without it. 

And that won't work, if I want to have kids.  And it won't work even if I don't want to have kids, because I'm learning that sex is pretty dang vital in a healthy marriage.   I've read a couple of great books on the topic, but nothing has really changed.  Right now, though, I'm reading the book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Lehman because a friend who empathizes with me recommended it. It's intense. I mean, intense.  And scary, and blunt, and full of things that you don't normally read in a Christian book.  And it's challenging me to think about sex differently and to think about being with Husband differently, to try things I've not done, to work towards things I've not yet experienced in three years of marriage.....

Hoo-eee, can't believe I'm typing this.  I'd talk to you about it over coffee, sure, but umm... right now I can't see your face and gauge how you're responding.  Let me sip my coffee here and imagine we're best friends and you are sitting across from me sipping your coffee and nodding that you understand.

That's about all the "real" I can throw out for now.  I'll have to garner up a little more courage another day.

Can I just say this?  It's a bit scary to be real, but I can't help it right now.  It's who I am, and this is what is on my heart.  God has been growing me a lot recently, and this week, these have been some of the thoughts.  I don't ever want to not share what God has been saying, because I don't ever want to come close to shutting Him out or ignoring Him.  And I'm excited.  I haven't felt so stretched and good in a long time. 

I like it.

Happy Friday, friends.  May your weekends be restful, blessed, and beautiful.

Participating in our weekly Coffee Company Blog Hop over at Home Sanctuary.

Editor's Note:  Just so you know, I was never abused or mistreated sexually in any way in my childhood or at any time - in fact, I think my parents raised me with a pretty healthy view of sex.  When I referenced some residual emotional issues, they are the result of my own willful disobedience during a dark time of life, nothing else.  I think we as women come to the marriage bed with a variety of issues, some worse than others, and while it sex a BIG struggle for me, I would never want to minimalize the true issues that come from abuse or indicate that I have overcome something like that, because the women who have done so are worthy of my respect and admiration.

A New Back Yard

I've mentioned before that we live in a townhome.  I like it almost all of the time, although sometimes I desperately wish I was not connected to my neighbors - or at least, not these neighbors - and recently I've been frustrated with our HOA - their maintenance people killed all the perennial plants and flowers I'd planted by over-prunning and stomping on and not caring about them and recently lobbed off several beautiful and healthy branches off the tree in our yard, leaving it scarred and bare.  But I digress.

One thing that we loved at first was that, while the other townhomes had cement slabs outside the backdoor and, usually, dirt, (although there are some that I've seen - yes - that means I've peered over fences - that are lovely, with patios and grass), we had a deck covering the entire space.   It wasn't the nicest deck, but we enjoy grilling on it and sitting out there on warm summer evenings.  We had plans to sand and refinish it, make it nice.

Enter Ginny, the wonder puppy. No yard means we have to walk her every time she needs to go out.  We don't mind letting her go in our tiny front yard occasionally, but it's not the best for when she has to go "big potty," as a friend of mine in college called it.  Let's face it, in a townhome community, who wants to see dog poop on a tiny little plot of grass?  So we have to walk her all the time.  Our deck?  Not so wonderful now.

So I proposed tearing out the deck, putting in a patio and a small plot of grass, and, surprisingly, Husband agreed.  I imagined we would start this project later, but not Husband.  Weeks ago I came home one day to see a few planks torn out - Husband's typical rash beginning of a project. 

Yesterday he finally got around to part two.... and my sister Becca pitched in.  

I guess we're on our way.  Wish us luck - summer is a-coming!

Eeeeek

I have to tell the students who ran for Executive Council (basically our top Council- Student Body Presdident, etc.) who won and who did not win today after school.  And it's no April Fool's joke to them. 

I just finished counting the votes and now know who I'll be spending excessive amounts of time with next year.... and also know who is going to be absolutely crushed when I tell them.  Boo, that's my least favorite part.

Normally I can encourage them by saying that we really need strong Seniors on Senior Class Council, and normally the people who don't make Exec do make Senior.... but I can't say that confidently this year because there will be 12 people running for 6 slots.  This is a record for us, I think.  I can't remember ever having more than 8 or 9 people running for a class Council.  It's good, and exciting, because we're doing something right that people want to be a part of......

But I hate telling people they lost.  I lost StuCo elections when I was in high school, first when I ran my sophomore year for Junior Council, and then when I ran to be on Exec.  Fortunately I still made Senior Secretary, but I remember how awful I felt those first few days between the two elections. 

Yuck.

After we get all the elections over, I can be excited for who will be on Council next year.  Until then, I hate this part.  And that is not an April Fool's Day joke, either.

Backlogged

You know how you sometimes start composing blog posts in your head when you can't get to the computer?  Or you snap some pictures of something you know you'll want to blog about later?  

I've been doing that a lot recently.  When I say a lot, I mean my blog-brain is backlogged.   Seriously backlogged. 

(Okay, random aside.  I'm looking at the word backlogged and thinking, "did I spell that right?  wait, is that even a real word?  do I need to change it to something else?"  I mean it, I'm having a total self-doubt moment about that word.)

If I wait to find the time to post all my brain-blog posts, you'll never get to read them, and it will be a looooong time before I blog again. 
So, instead, I'll give the Spark Notes version of the posts I would have written.  And, if, as I summarize, something really sticks with me, I might write a whole post on it soon.  We'll see.

Backlogged Post #1: Spring Cleaning Round 1.  Last week I was on Spring Break from school and decided to tackle some of the mess in my house.  I started reading Organized Simplicity, by Tsh Oxenreider.  I haven't finished yet, but I am looking forward to continuing more.  I picked up all the crap on the main floor, in the master bedroom, in the bathrooms, and in the upstairs guest room.  I put stuff away in the basement TV room.  I dusted and vacuumed everything, cleaned the kitchen and all the bathrooms.  I did laundry and put it away, and I even vacummed the screens and washed the windows.  I took before pictures on Husband's camera (alas, mine really does appear to have been stolen), but forgot to get around to taking the after pictures.   (editor's note: several days have gone by - things are still mostly uncluttered and looking good, but the trick will be keeping it that way and clean.)

Backlogged Post #2: Being a Grown Up.  I feel like God is really calling me to embrace the fact that I am a "grown up."  A couple of weeks ago I realized that somewhere I learned to take "you're so young" as "you're inferior and incompetent."  No one said that of course, I just heard it.  Anyway, it has been a bit scary but a lot freeing to attempt to embrace my grown up self.  Husband started hearing it, too, and we went from talking about it to hearing a sermon that spoke to our hearts immediately within an hour.  Clear as a whistle, God.  In embrace-your-grown-up-self attempt #1, we invited our church small group over for dinner.  It didn't turn out the way we expected, but we still ended up having a great time getting to know one family we didn't really know yet.  There was definitely a moment when everything seemed like it was falling apart - but I was so convinced God is trying to grow me that I refused to give in to the lies I was hearing.

Backlogged Post #3: Time.  You know me, I don't have a lot of it.  But over Spring Break, I intentionally chose to not go anywhere (well, I don't have any money to do that, anyway) or to fill my schedule with lots of coffee and lunch dates.  I knew I wanted to clean my house (see #1) and do some work, but I also knew I wanted to have Time.  I spent some quality time with my mom over coffee and lunch a couple of times, which was much needed.  I slept in every day until 8:30.  And I read.  I read four and a half books.  I finished The Moonstone, by Wilkie Collins.  I went to the library and got eight books, and read four of them in four or five days.  Invitation to Provence, by Elizabeth Adler, Angel Harp, by Michael Phillips, Faces of the Gone, by Brad Parks, and The Lost Gate, by Orson Scott Card.  I wouldn't really recommend Invitation to Provence, but Angel Harp was a great Christian Historical Fiction set in Scotland.  Faces of the Gone was a mystery.  Good, but not great.  The Lost Gate was really intriguing, but has an intresting twist on gods and magic, so if you aren't into that, you won't like it.   Now that school is back in session, it will probably take me a few days each at least to read the other four books.   Having time to do that was so life-giving.

Backlogged Post #4: March Madness.  That's right, I have been paying attention to the March Madness basketball tournament.  A friend of mine's hubby is an assistant coach at the University of Richmond who ended up playing in Round 2 and 3 nearby us.  I couldn't pass that up, could I?  St Patty's day, the day before our Spring Break, my dad, friend, and Husband and I headed to Denver for a day of basketball.  (this is hush hush since I took a day off work for it.... I had a "once in a lifetime family committment") to watch the Louisville-Morehead game and the Richmond-Vanderbilt game.  We sat waaaay up high, almost as far as you could go, but it was awesome.  As the Spiders won (woohoo), they played again in Round 3 on Saturday.  That time we were given tickets in the 5th row from the court, right behind the Richmond bench.  Dad, Sister, Husband, and I were freaking stoked to watch Richmond beat Morehead, and then stayed to watch BYU beat Gonzaga.  Richmond went onto the Sweet 16, but sadly lost to Kansas.

Backlogged Post #5: Student Council Elections.  I'm running elections for the next three weeks or so.  This week, the five Executive Council positions. Next week, the 18 Class Officer positions.  The next two weeks, the 12 teacher-nominated Class Representatives positions.  My thoughts are swimming with recently-read cover letters, personal view questions, teacher recommendations, and interview questionnaires.  It's a bit odd to think about next year already, when we have two months of this year left, but it's also really exciting.  There are some great candidates running and I can't help but be excited for next year, a chance to do some things a little differently and to continue serving our school.

Backlogged Post #6: My heart.  It's full.  It's been learning a lot.  I can't really share it all in a mini-post, but I think you'll get the point, anyway.  God's been teaching me things - I've shared some of them in past posts - and it's been amazing.  I definitely feel like it could be easy to be attacked or side-tracked if I'm not careful and not committed to continuing the conversations He and I have been having, but for now, I'm just amazed with how great He is and how, even though things are not easy, they are Good.  And how much He's been speaking to me.  And really, it makes my heart full.


Okay, that's it for now.  I am sure there were more, but really, you don't want to read any more, and I think I am going to go work on finishing the fifth library book before bed.

Little Ways: A New Series

Have you read my first post, Like A Day Off, where I first described the inspiration for my blog title?

Several months after reading that Dove promise and a plethora of posts describing my busy life, I added the tag line, "learning how to live a busy life." 

The reality is that I am busy.  And you know, if you have followed me for a while, that I hate the word busy, because it really is almost meaningless in this day and age, and certainly, in my life.  Regardless of my dislike for the word, the reality remains true.  I'm busy.  All the time.  And I know that you, most definitely, are busy, too.  Sometimes I fall into the trap of a little jealousy and bitterness about others whose lives are "less busy" - but who am I kidding?  We're all freakishly busy.  Our lives are full of things, and not so full of margin. 

Margin has been something I've been thinking about, praying about, and even working on a lot in the past few months.  As God has been teaching me things (as I've finally been listening to Him more), I've also felt the need for more magin and have been trying to find ways to build it into my life.

And you know what?  I've discovered that, when I've created margin for myself, for my family, for God, I end up getting everything else I needed to get done, done. 

Let me honest for a moment, though.  I often don't create margin, I just get lazy.  And when I'm lazy and do nothing, then I don't actualy get all the other stuff done, either, and I increase my stress load greatly.  For me, at least, there is a big difference between "doing nothing" and margin.  Margin has to be intentional, I'm learning.

Back to the point.  I've decided that, in an effort to continue my journey on learning to live a busy life, I'm creating a series called "Little Ways."  I'm not sure how often I'll post to this series - once a week?  once a month? - but I'll post some of the real little ways I'm living life like a day off. 

I ask you to think about how YOU create margin, too, and how YOU find little ways to live like a day off.  I'll include your Little Ways, too.  I can't wait to learn from you!

So here's to finding Little Ways to live, my friends.  Can't wait to see where this leads.

The Epic Cookie Fail

I was talking to my friend Brooke on the phone this afternoon.  She's moving in a couple of months and is working on using the food in her pantry before she goes and mentioned that she was going to bake a pumpkin pie since she had some leftover pumpkin in the freezer.  I commented that I had a few cans of pumpkin in the pantry and got it my head that, after I finished doing some grading, I would make some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  I know, it's not the right time of year, but it sounded delicious.

So after I'd reheated myself some pizza and finished my grading, I whipped up some cookie dough.  We can't find our measuring spoons, so I eyeballed it, but the dough tasted so good, I wasn't worried.

Batch one came out a little gooey.  I added a little more baking powder, figuring that I just hadn't guessed the right amount.

Batch two.  Even more gooey than batch one.  In fact, they were not even done, so I just threw it back in the bowl.  Stupid idea, because the choclate chips had melted, which turned the whole dough brown instead of orange. 

Called my mom. Decided it must need more flour.  Added some more.

Batch three, the same as before.  Sigh.  I quit. 

Reach to turn the oven off. 

Oh. My. Gosh.  The oven is off.  I must have turned it off out of habit after I reheated the pizza.

Turned the oven back on and let it re-heat.

Put in batch four.  Not gooey at all.  Too dry, because they had too much flour.

Oh well!  I threw out what was left of the dough.

Hence, the Epic Cookie Fail.


I would have posted pictures, but I think my camera was stolen from school.

Sadie's Week

It's Sadie's Week at my high school.

You know, Sadie Hawkins. The dance where the girls ask the guys. Except for at my school, it's a big dang deal. Sure, girls ask guys, but also groups of people go together for fun, like Homecoming. We have lots of events going on during the week and a huge assembly and big decorations at the dance.... and spirit dress up days all week.

Our theme this year? Time Warp. It's a Back to the Future meets Grease meets Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (which none of my students have ever heard of) meets all the decades, including "the future."

How do we get to dress up?

Well, yesterday was Hippie Day. Lots of peace signs, flowing skirts, headbands, peasant blouses, and more.

Today, 50s Day. Most girls are more for the "Pink Lady" kind of a look since they seem to all have outgrown their poodle skirts from elementary school. The boys are rocking the slicked back hair, white tees, and leather jackets.

Tomorrow, 80s Workout Day. I fully anticipate seeing a plethora of spandex and neon colors. Oh dear.

Friday we journey back to the present and have a school colors spirit day, which could result in outfits of all sorts.

For the dance itself, kids can wear whatever decade they want - I've already heard that several cavemen are attending.

Anyway, each day I've been putting on Pandora and setting it to the approximate decade of the day. Yesterday we rocked out to a lot of Simon and Garfunkel. Today, it's a lot of doo-wop and motown. Tomorrow, some Cindy Lauper.

I'm having THE best week. It turns out that I grew up listenting to 50s and 60s music because my dad is (old). Please note, my mom is not old - in fact, she's several years younger than Dad.

Regardless, I feel like I'm back in my childhood, especially today. I know ALL the words to ALL the songs. I just want to dance around and sing and be happy and silly. Forget teaching!





The downside to Sadie's week? I'll be here pretty much from 6:30 am to 10:30 pm on Thursday and from 8 am until midnight on Saturday.

But right now, I'm not thinking about that.

I'm just doing the hand jive.

Choices

Today I choose to ignore the busyness I have going on.  I choose to ignore the four weeks of chaos that stand before me.  I choose to not post about everything going on in my busy world.  I choose to be light-hearted today.

I choose to proactively do the things I need to do today.  I choose to do them with a smile on my face.

I choose to listen to my music loudly in my classroom during my planning period, because it makes me happy.  I choose to turn off the flourescents and just let the light stream in from the windows.

Today I choose to ponder. I'll ponder Jesus.  I'll ponder life.

I choose not to dwell on things that make me or bog me down.  I choose to live right now.  I choose to do the things for which I am responsible, but I choose to do so with joy and without thinking about what I am supposed to do next.

I choose to say nothing negative today, about myself, or anyone, or anything else.

I choose freedom, today.

Here's a song that came up on Pandora and made me happy.  No, it's not Jesus-y.  Nope, it's not really inspirational.  No, the message isn't the best message ever.  It just makes me happy.  I liked the original version, and I like this version, too.  I smiled and turned it up a little.  The math class next door surely would like to hear it, too.



Happy Friday!

Blog Hopping with my favorite friends for some Coffee Company. Enjoy!

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Margin

Can I tell you the first thought that just popped into my head when I wrote the title "Margin" just now? 

It was that margin and margarine are very similiar sounding words.  And then I wondered why.  And then I was off on a brain-tangent about how perhaps it's becuase margarine affects your margin.  And then I began to wonder if you would say it increases or decreases your margin, depending on what you think a person's margin would be - the space you actually take up or the space you are not taking up.  And now that I've typed margin five times, I'm not even sure if that's how you spell it anymore. 

Whew. Welcome to a minute in my brain.

Back to my original post.

I'm slowly working my way through The Love Dare.  I assume Husband won't read my blog and read this, because I'm doing it without telling him.  Nevermind that the book is on my nightstand all the time - he doesn't pay attention to those things.

Anyway, yesterday's dare was to think about ways we need margin in our lives, because lives without margin lead to selfishness and irritability. 

Yikes, I'm in trouble.

I don't have a lot of margin right now.  (Aside; although if physical margin is defined as how much space you actually take up, then I do have a lot of margin, because I have recently been asked if I'm pregnant - nope, just chubby.)  I'm pretty - oh, dreaded "b" word - busy.  There's a lot on my to-do list.

Still, I do think I've been working on finding margin.  I left my work in the car on Monday and just hung out with Husband for Love Day.  I worked out this morning (and have worked out more in the last two months than in the previous six).  I am doing pretty well at making time for people, and even am really spending some more time with The One and learning. 

I even quit a task force that I was on, because I'm really trying.  Yes, people who know me, I let something go.  Aren't you proud?

Still, I haven't done this Dare yet, because I'm just not sure what I'll find, or what I'll be able to do.

What about you?

What areas of margin do you need in your life?  How do you find them or find time for them?

Let me know.

I've Caught the Bug

It's true.  I've caught the bug.

But not the bug you're thinking, don't worry.  Aside from the little cold I've been nursing for the last week, I'm as healthy as can be.

Nope, I've caught the I-wish-it-was-summer bug. 

This, my friends, is an unheard of occurence.

I love fall and winter a ridiculous amount.  Don't get me wrong, I do love spring and summer, too, but I'm not the person who starts wishing for warm weather in February.  I'm usually able to hold out until April before dreaming of summer vacation and warmth.

But I had a lovely Saturday in the mountains where I did almost no work, and when we came home today, it was about 65 degrees and sunny.  I took the dog for a walk and was hot in my jeans and long sleeve, and it was beautiful and bright and there were people out everywhere.  (I know 65 isn't that warm, but hey, we had -20 a couple of weeks ago.) 

I put some fun music on and unpacked and started the laundry while the windows were thrown wide-open and the sunlight was streaming in the house.  I got the urge to do some cleaning (although I limited myself to cleaning the toilets since I knew I had hours of school work ahead of me).  John and I put on our swimsuits and took "before" pictures because we are motivated to get fit and healthy.

It just felt like summer.

And now I'm craving it. 

Oh summer.  I can't wait to see you.

Oh, Friday. Oh, Thoughts.

When I was younger, one of the TV networks had "TGIF" on Fridays.  There were about 4 sitcoms showed in a row that were all referred to as "TGIF."  I think Step-by-Step was one of them for a while, and maybe Sabrina....?  I don't really remember anymore. Regardless, when someone says "TGIF," I still think of a TV line up.

But seriously, I'm glad it's Friday. I'm T.I.R.E.D. today.

A few days ago I posted on The Fork in the Road, my thoughts about needing to make a choice.  This week has been good in that area.  I've spent some consistent time with the One, have been listening to some awesome sermons from morning radio, and have been blessed a lot by reading some of your thoughts on things. 

It's been so good that my brain is pretty much on overload.  There are so many thoughts turning around and around and around in there that I would like a day to just stop, pause, listen, and think. 

My thoughts range from how to love my Husband to how to love others to what forgiveness is and some things I need to let go of.  From what it means to follow Jesus to what it means to be healthy to what my relationships should look like.  From seeing my flaws and my beautifuls. 

It's just a lot.  I could write a dozen blog posts on what is in my head.  I'm not even kidding.  The very thought of which thought to start with is daunting. 

This weekend we're going to the mountains to a friend's cabin.  I'll have to work on online stuff (which I am starting to hate) part of the time, but I'm hoping to also use the time to play a little and spend some time processing all the things I'm thinking. 

Being in the mountains always helps me reset.

The main thing I'm getting, though, is that God hasn't been silent recently. 

I just wasn't listening.  The minute I started was the minute I heard what He was saying.  About a lot.  A lot.  (Have I mentioned it's a lot yet?)

But it's Good.  Which excites me.

And now it's time to go back to teaching for the rest of the day.

The Pow Wow

If you've ever read me before, you know by now that I am a high school Spanish teacher and a Student Council Advisor.  I LOVE teaching.  I love the a-ha moments when a kid finally gets it, I love it when they answer their own questions.  I love playing and speaking and listening and being with these students.  And I'm tough.  I have high expectations, and I don't back down from them.  I show grace, but also accountability.  And usually, my students rise to the occasion.

The real reason I love teaching though, is that I love my kids. 

I do.

I just love them. 

Some of them are in desperate need of that, you know.

Every so often I hold a pow-wow.  We turn the flourescent lights off, gather up in a circle, put on some mellow music, and talk about life.  Stories range from the mundane to the silly to upcoming events and athletic tryouts.... and then someone shares something big.  My parents are getting a divorce.  My dad has been deployed for a year and is coming home this weekend, and I'm scared of how things will change.  My mom has cancer.  My friends are into drugs and alcohol, and it's hard for me to stay away from it. 

The atmosphere in the room completely changes.  There's a spirit of love that flows out from each student, almost immediately.  They begin comforting each other, sharing stories of how they've dealt with similar circumstances, giving advice. 

Don't get me wrong - someone always throws in a funny story or two in the midst of the serious that sets us all to laughing hysterically - it's not a depressing pow-wow. 

When the pow-wow is nearing it's natural end (be it a feeling or the end of class approaching), I insist we end on a positive note.  Each person shares something they love about their life, and the smiles and laughter finish out the pow-wow.  They hug each other and walk out of the room feeling connected and cared for, some of them for the first time in a while. 

I love pow-wow.

What most impresses me is that I never lead them to share deeply.  Given the opportunity to do so, they just do.  I don't tell them, hey, encourage him, hug her.  They just do it.  I don't prompt them to share their similar stories and make supportive connections.  They just do.  They are dying to be loved, to know that others care, and to show that they care, too.

Some teachers would say pow-wow is an irresponsible use of my time.  I say not.  I'm teaching them to be people, not just to conjugate verbs.  In 10 years, they won't remember half of anything from my class, but maybe they'll remember what it felt like to be heard, to listen to others, to show and be shown love. 

And maybe they'll do the same for someone else.

The day of a recent pow-wow, a boy (a cool, tough, basketball playing, has-it-all-together boy) came to class with a class-transfer paper.  He'd switched in at semester and, after a couple of weeks, decided it was too hard for him and was going to switch to an easier teacher.  At the end of the class period, after sharing and listening, he looked at me and simply said, "I'm staying."  The next class day he walked in with his transfer paper, tore it up, and threw it away.  He had experienced pow-wow. And love.

Now, I'm not saying I am wonderful, or that I'm doing anything special or worthy of praise.

What I am saying is that I love teaching.  I work with kids who, although they are punky little pains sometimes, have a lot more to them then I'd know if we didn't pow-wow. 

And they are full of love, ready to give it, if someone just would show them how.


Joining in on the conversation "Love is a Verb" over at InCourage. 

The Fork in the Road

Truth time.

I cannot have my heart healed if I am not even in conversation with the One.

I cannot have my relationship with Husband grow if I am not in Relationship with the One.

I cannot feel like I'm living with purpose if my purpose is not rooted in my Relationship.

I can sit in church on the very few Sundays I convince myself I have to go and cry in the back because I am alone and pray that God will heal me or release me, but nothing will happen if I am not even in conversation with Him.

I can think about how my relationship with my Husband could be improved and how he can and should grow, but nothing will matter if I do not have first and foremost my Relationship with the One as a priority.

I can feel sorry for myself about how I feel like I have no people and define my worth based on the number of people who call me to do something, initiate conversations with me, post on my Facebook wall, or comment on my blog.  In that case, I'm going to feel rather worthless.

I can invest my time and energy and care and love into my students.  A good thing, except that I tend to make a good thing the ultimate thing, and when I have time to sit and breathe, I realize that while that is rewarding and fulfilling, it is not Enough.

It is time to make a decision.

I'm here.

Or here, just for a laugh. (because I can't be serious all of the time)

Where will I go? 

I know what I need to choose. 

I want to choose it, too. 

But I am weak, and easily sidetracked. 

Still, the time has come.

A Weekend Wish

My head and heart are full as I quickly sit down to write this morning before I head off to work.

Yesterday was a big day.  We had the privilege of having director Tom Shadyac and several of the prodcuers of his film "I AM" come to our Student Council class when we combined with one of my co-workers classes to see one of her incredible lessons on people and genocide and what each of us can do in other's lives.  Then last night I attended the only high school screening of the film.  You know who he is, right?   The guy who directed Bruce Almighty, Liar Liar, Ace Ventura, The Nutty Professor..... To sum it up, Tom had a near death experience and realized there was something wrong with the picture he was living in, and set off with film crew to ask today's most prominent minds in science, philosophy, and religion two questions "What is wrong with the world?" and "What can we do about it?"  The film chronicles his journey and his findings, and, full of sciency stuff that was actually really interesting, resulted in these thoughts: People are meant to be connected and compassionate.  What's wrong with the world?  I am.  What can we do about it?  Believe in the power of one.  Desmond Tutu in the film says that we are all just drops of water that when put together, form the sea.  Small acts of compassion and connectedness can lead to big things.

Wow.  Yes, Tom Shadyac.  I am with you.  **

Today I leave for our Student Council Retreat.  These, by the way, are my kids.  They are incredible.

And somehow I planned a retreat that basically Tom Shadyac just kicked off for us.  Somehow makes sense, I guess, since these ideas are essential in good leaders.  We're going to be talking about how leaders have to be committed to take the road less traveled sometimes, how we have to know ourselves and be confident in ourselves to be able to take that road.  We'll learn about needing heart and logic as leaders (which the science showed in the movie to be true), and talk about the distractions that meet us on the way.  Lastly we'll talk about how the small things can make all the difference, especially if you have a team of people on your side.

I'm excited.  I'm tired and it hasn't even started yet.  I didn't make it to bed before 11 any night this week, and I didn't even come home until after 10 the last two nights (yes, I was at school from 6:30 am to at least 10 pm).  But I love these things, and I am continuously affirmed that working with these kids is what God wants me to do.  See, I can't talk to them about God, but I can teach them indirectly. I can teach them to do life well and model for them what I really mean, and hope that somehow the seed is planted.  And I can have fun doing it!

Pray for us this weekend, if you get the chance.  My mind is turning the ideas of the film and the retreat around and around and loving some and getting stuck on some - knowing that, fearing that some kids (and some adults) will miss the Reason we're all connected and need to show compassion and love one another.  Still, I believe in the concepts, and my reason doesn't have to be made public there, it just needs to show in my actions.

May your Friday and weekend be thoughtfillled and blessed.

** Disclaimer** There were several scientific concepts that I want to do more research on, because they didn't seem contradictory to anything I believe in, but without furthure information, I couldn't be sure.  I'll be interested to hear your thoughts if you get to see the movie when it comes to theaters soon.

Coffee Company and More

Starbucks Caramel Macciato in hand (it's what I drink in the off-season of the Gingerbread Latte when I still have gift-card money left over from Christmas), I am ready to blog.  I have a lot of stuff in my head and in my heart, which means inevitably this will be a post full of randoms.  Ready?

This week has been full. 

We're back in the swing of things at school, and I'm really trying hard to stay on top of things (and already falling behind), but also to make sure that the way I'm teaching is better. 

I haven't been sleeping that well, mostly to the fact that Husband has been working nights and crawls into bed at about 4, right before I get up at about 5:15, and the weird dreams I've been having.  Last night's was an odd mixture of mostly good, kind of weird, and a little unsettling, but.... I re-wrote the ending to make it all good in my head.

Last week I heard that a former youth group kid of ours, Brad, who had a muscular condition that affected his respiratory system and more, was in the hospital and things weren't looking great.  Wednesday we heard first that they'd removed the breathing tubes and, shortly thereafter, Brad went to be with his Jesus.  Both my good friend Dawn and I posted for him, if you'd care to read.  The service will be Tuesday, and I expect it to be just as much a celebration as anything, since Brad is finally healed.

Husband goes away with the youth group today for the long weekend for our annual retreat.  (A few years ago this retreat was one where we had some of our favorite memories with Brad.)  It's the first time in seven years I won't be going, but because I have offiically stepped down as a leader at this point (you know, I was trying to create some balance in my life), it makes sense that I am not included.  I cried, and let's just be honest: I'm going to have to pray that God will remove my feelings of jealousy.  A few weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Brooke telling her about how disappointed I was and how, to top it all off, it meant that I would be home alone for three nights and almost four days.  Joking, I suggested she drive up from Texas for a visit.

A few days later she called to say she was coming!  I expect to get a text sometime this morning to say she's on the road and then, this evening, she'll be here!  Brooke is my best friend from college.  We haven't lived in the same place for 6 and half years, but she's just one of those friends, you know?  It's going to be great, and I think I probably won't remember that I'm missing the retreat.

I was just reading Rachel Anne's Small Thing about Starting Over.  I love how each morning it can be as if God gives us a Restart button.  What happened yesterday is gone, and today is a new day.  I'm a fairly stubborn person, so sometimes I cling to what is and insist that I can make it work..... but to restart- well, sometimes something even better can come from that.  I've seen it many times, yet I still cling.  Oh, sinful stubborness.

Don't worry, I'm nearing the end of my ramblings.  Husband came home the other night with a belated Christmas present for me - a Nikon Coolpix camera.  I think I've mentioned in about 100 comments (okay, slight exaggeration) on other's blogs in recent weeks that I want to get a pocket-sized camera I can have with me at all times, because I'm always missing out on pictures I see and want to take.  Wish granted!

I haven't had the chance to take many great pictures, but last night Husband and I went to my new favorite "fast-food" restaurant, Garbanzos, to have a little mini date night before he left for the weekend.  They're not great photos, and I look awful,  but, in the interest of sharing, here you go.

an unassuming building filled with scrumptiousness inside.

oops, forgot to unzoom from earlier, and we were walking.

Hmm.  Not my best picture ever, but I was excited!

Husband going in for his first bite - he wasn't sure what he was going to think, but he ended up liking it!

 My pita and falafal. 

Turns out my camera has a food setting, but I didn't discover that until after I had eaten every last bite.

 A quick shot of us by the Garbanzo beans as we walked out.

Just for fun, Ginny when we got home.

Happy Friday from a Rambling Beth.  

Dear Brad

Dear Brad,

I can't help but be sad when I think about how much you'll be missed around here.  It's been a while since I've seen you, but I will never forget the many Sundays where you cheerfully stood greeting me as I came in, even though it was nearly impossible to stand.  The youth group nights where you sang, prayed, and even played games blessed us all.  You taught both adults and students alike how to be joyful and content in spite of difficult circumstances, and reminded us that in the big picture, our lives were relatively easy.  You listened with care and, although you didn't speak much, were wise and worth listening to you when you did.  And I've never laughed so hard as the time we passed the pigs all together and you pretty much kicked our booties at it.  You know, Brad, we roll pigs.  When I think about how much you'll be missed by everyone who was blessed to meet you, I can't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes a little.

Yet I also can't help but smile when I imagine you running, jumping, leaping, dancing, exhaling, and inhaling as you never have before.  I know Heaven is full of people being blessed by your enthusiasm as you finally feel what your body was made to do, feeling for the first time the freedom that comes with being 18.  The joy I feel for you is endless.

You fought and lived well, friend.  And while we miss you, we are thrilled for the Life you now live.

Love,
Beth

Dreams

Do you believe in dreams? 

Bed of Dreams, Kathy Ostman-Magnussen

I don't, really. 

I think they're a bunch of random images from our subconcious blended together in our imagination to form who knows what.  I often remember dreams, at least for a little while.  I suppose that makes me a light sleeper, since you have to wake up during the dream to remember it?  Normally my dreams make little sense, but are pleasant and interesting.  I have dreams that take place in recurring situations.  If I dream about my home, it's always the home I lived in from 2nd- 7th grade, but with some weird twist - usually the bathroom is not the bathroom but some other room.  If I dream about school, it's never the school I work at now, but a composite of the different places I've attended and worked over the years.  Most of the time I wake up and think, "that was nice," or sometimes, try to go back to sleep and pick up where I left off.  You know, to get back that warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness.

I don't have bad dreams very often, although when I do, I usually try to "re-invent" the ending of the dream - you know, close my eyes, half sleep, and will the dream to change.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  The worst dream of my life was a few years ago, and it was so vivid and so awful that I don't even care to tell you about it.

The last week or so, though, I've been having some weird dreams, and not ones I love.  The first one involved me ticking off some guys who then starting beating the crap out of my dog. I woke up seriously upset by that one and had to cuddle Ginny for a while to settle down.  The next night I dreamt of snakes - and I hate hate hate, double hate, loathe entirely snakes.  And in this dream, Ginny and a little tiger I had for some reason were tearing about the snakes.  This morning I woke up after having a weird dream where good friends of ours (not people I actually know in real life, but friends in dreamland) went through a big trauma I don't feel like typing, either.

My mom says maybe I need to pray.

It reminds me of a summer morning several years ago when I was working at an English camp in Spain.  There were five of us 20-something girls all working there who had become quite close.  One morning I woke up after having a dream I can't remember anymore, but with a distinct heavy feeling that I couldn't shake.  I got up early and sat on the couch reading the Bible and praying and, as I did so, a clear sense of peace began to wash over me.  Later that morning when I got to camp, the girls and I were talking.  Four of us had all experienced the same thing - a foreboding feeling that was almost tangible - and we had all immediately dropped to our figurative knees to spend time with the One.  And we all were calmed. 

Now, I don't know what that was about, but I do remember it was powerful.

And so, while I don't really believe in the significance of dreams meaning anything, I do suspect perhaps I should get back on my knees again. 

Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll wake up wanting to go back to sleep to continue the warm, fuzzy feeling, instead of anything else.

Snow Day and My Living Room

A Snow Day. 

A little miracle, a great gift from God. 

A day where I can relax a little and work on things that will help me not fall behind. 

A day to wake up at my leisure (ummm.... 7:15), drink a couple cups of coffee, and read a while before, again, at my own pace, get some things done.

And a Snow Day here?  Well, today the snow has stopped falling (it snowed through the night and made the roads awful), but now the sun is shining brightly and the snow sparkles as if laden with an inset of thousands of tiny little diamonds.  It's quite cold, which makes a cup of coffee or hot cocoa and a fuzzy blanket all the more appealing, but, if I were a child, I would find the nearest hill and go sledding, for it is the perfect weather.

Oh, Snow Day.  How I love you.

And, as promised, a few pictures of my living room, which is still pretty and cozy and lovely. 

 My living room. The rocking chair used to be on the other side of the fireplace, and we had an old, ugly, uncomfortable arm chair that didn't go with anything in the house.  I hate losing a seat, but I really hated that chair more and feel immensly better that it made it's way to Goodwill.

 

My mantle, newly decorated.  It was much more cluttered before and quite colorless.  The pottery vase on the left I bought with a gift card to the Pottery Barn, the flowers, "C", and heart sign (that says "amore") are from Hobby Lobby, and the wrought iron candlesticks are from Goodwill (those I've had for a few months).

The built in bookcase, with some new arrangements.  A while back I painted it to match the wall in the living room, and, inspired by E over at Me, Myself, and E, I started searching for gold and red books.  The baskets I've had forever, and the Willow Tree angels are a favorite item of mine.



One of my favorite shelves. The milk can also came from Pottery Barn - it was on sale for $4! - and the flowers from Hobby Lobby.  Everything else I already had.

Soon to come, pictures of a new shelf I bought that is going in my kitchen, finishing off a blank wall I have been working on since the kitchen was fixed.

May your day be lovely!

Bye Bye Christmas Decor, Hello Lovely House

Don't get me wrong. My house was very lovely with all my Christmas decorations.  In fact, it was downright the best I've done yet.  I wanted to stay home every day and just stay in my Christmas house.

Alas, Christmas is officially over, and, with a semi-free Saturday, I knew it was time.  Time to pack up the ornaments, take down the lights and the garlands, put away all the cute Christmas knick-knacks.  But when I put away Christmas last year, I was faced with what felt like a very bleak and blah living room.  (Isn't it interesting how I didn't realize that until after Christmas went away and after I started reading blogs like the Nester's? - my eyes were opened.)  It was so blah, in fact, that my husband went to Home Depot unprompted and came home with paint and painted a wall.  (Which, incidentally, I thought I would hate, but love.)

This year I knew I would feel the same way after Christmas, despite my still-painted wall.  So I had a plan.  I had a Pottery Barn gift card and a few Hobby Lobby gift cards and, before I even started packing up Christmas, picked up a few pieces that made me excited to arrange.

This morning I got up and started packing.  Within a few hours, Christmas was back in the storage closet and I had dusted and vacuumed the living room and dining room.  Next came the arranging.  I got rid of an ugly arm chair (Husband took it to Goodwill) and I rearranged things on my mantle and shelves.  I tided the kitchen and made the main floor neat and clean. 

After dinner you better believe I'll be sitting on my sofa in my fun living room, not missing my Christmas decorations at all.  Until about October, of course, when I'll start wishing for them again.

Oh, and why are there no pictures?  Because Husband is at the grocery store and the camera is in his truck.  Pictures to come soon!

Individuals and Teams

Usually I don't get that much out of professional development days, but this morning we heard a speaker who made me think, both about education and about life.

Consider these two pictures:

His point was that, as educators, we often are like marathon runners.  We're working hard and we're doing our best, but my success is not dependent on anyone else's success nor my failure dependent on anyone else's failure.  Another's success is not dependent on my success, nor their failure dependent on my failure.

Yet, in his opinion (and the opinion of many distinguished educators and educational researchers), we should be more like the members of a crew team.  What each individual does matter to the success of the team.  My failures matters and affects more than just me.  Research shows that students achieve more when teachers are working collaboratively as a team, instead of closing the doors to our classrooms and operating as a one-person show. 

I can't help but agree.  I know our department would truly benefit from us working as a team, since each level of Spanish directly affects the next level.

But as I've been marinating (yes, marinating) on this thought all day, I realized, isn't this true for life too, especially with what I believe?

I don't think we're meant to go it alone, but rather to live and grow in community.  Running the marathon is great, and we're working hard, but maybe we're not working the best way.  Maybe we're created to row together, to work as a team. 

What are your thoughts?  I'd love to hear them!



For Edie, a friend I didn't know until today

This morning I got up earlier than I meant to, but now I know why.  I decided that, with the extra minutes I had, I would dive back into blogland, a place I haven't truly been in months.  I myself haven't blogged much at all for a semester, but I can't remember the last time I read others or commented.

But this morning, I read.  And several of my blog friends were posting for Edie, on her birthday. 

Curious, I went to Edie's blog. 




A few of her friends hijacked her blog and wrote a post inviting all and any who have been touched by Edie and her blog to share some love with her today.  By now you're catching on to the fact that I have never read Edie, so it's a bit illogical that I am writing a post for her.

I went back a few posts on Edie's blog.  And then a few more. And before I knew it, several minutes had gone by, I had read several of her posts, and I was almost in tears.   You see, if you go back to a 10 days or so before Christmas, Edie had a beautiful post about how she was decorating her house for Christmas, how she was reading John Milton's poem, "On the Morning of Christ's Nativity," how she was thinking deeply on advent and what it meant.  Included are beautiful pictures of her mantle in her lovely home.  Then there's a post on award winning (and most likely, extremely bad for my resolution to eat healthy) fudge.  A few more posts mixed with what is clearly Edie's style - light hearted blended with deeply thoughtful. 

And then the first post, where her friends posted a prayer, and stated that all of Edie's family was safe.

Because Edie's house, the Tuesday before Christmas, burned down to the ground, completely.  Then I read the post where Edie talked about the journey of that week, and of Christmas, and I couldn't believe it.  For Edie, who is most certainly heartbroken, shaken, and overwhelmed, continued to make clear that she serves and loves a God in whom she believes whole-heartedly, One who protected them, even the dogs, and One who will continue to provide.  And I cried. 

Today is Edie's birthday.  And although I just "met" her today, I could not help but to post a birthday tribute, because, in one half an hour, my life is already changed by reading her stories. 

May this year be what it needs to be, Edie.  May you and your family continue to find healing, and provision, and may the Lord who is merciful and full of grace make His face shine upon you, so that you may know His deep and everlasting love and peace.

Happy Birthday.